


Voltromemes (A random chat fic)

by Cryptocol



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Aromantic Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Crack, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gay, Gen, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Meme, Memes, Mutual Pining, Pansexual Shiro (Voltron), Pining, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-03-17 19:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13665759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryptocol/pseuds/Cryptocol
Summary: A random Voltron chat fic I decided to make because:a) I couldn't sleepb) I have no real-life friends of my ownc) why the fuck notd) who doesn't love a good Voltron crack-fic





	1. thot deserved it tbh

_bestbi added Hunkydory, quiznackkeith, whodunit, matterang, shiro, and AlteanPrincess to the group_

 

[2:17 am]

 

 **bestbi** : welcome, my dear friends

 

 **whodunit** : the fuck is this

 

 **bestbi** : a group chat for my main peeps

 

 **Hunkdory** : aw Lance <3

 

 **quiznackkeith** : quiznackyou

 **quiznackkeith** : I was sleeping

 

 **shiro** : Liar

 **shiro** : I can hear MCR through your headphones

 **shiro** : And we are in separate rooms

 

 **whodunit** : exPOSED

 

 **bestbi** : Keith is a broody emo, confirmed

 

 **quiznackkeith** : I'm not broody!

 

 **bestbi** : uh huh whatever you say buddy

 

 **whodunit** : so why are we here

 **whodunit** : at 2 in the morning

 

 **bestbi** : well seeing as how none of us sleep because we are college students and spend every night crying and spiralling into the black abyss that is Keith's soul...

 **bestbi** : I thought I'd distract you all and create a friendly chat

 

 **whodunit** : 'friendly'

 

 **Hunkydory** : honestly Lance, you are so pure

 **Hunkydory** : I have raised you well

 

 **whodunit** : I thought Shiro was our dad?

 

 **shiro** : what?

 

 **whodunit** : what?

 

 **bestbi** : what?

 

 **Hunkydory** : what?

 

 **quiznackkeith** : hwat?

 

 **bestbi** : hwat

 

 **whodunit** : hwat

 

 **quiznackkeith** : I'm going to punch you all into next week

 

 **Hunkydory** : don't worry Keith, I've got your back :)

 

 **shiro** : hwat

 

 **quiznackkeith** : betrayed by my own brOTHER!?

 **quiznackkeith** : I thought this was supposed to be a friendly chat

 

 **bestbi** : as much as I hate to admit it

 **bestbi** : broody is right

 **bestbi** : let's lay off him a lil and leave him to his emo breakdown

 

 **quiznackkeith** :  I  A M  N O T  B R O O D Y

 

 **shiro** : Wait. Don't you guys have class early in the morning?

 

 **Hunkydory** : Mine is at 1, I'm cool

 

 **whodunit** : maybe

 

 **shiro** : Pidge, you should go to sleep

 

 **whodunit** : what is this sleep that you speak of?

 

 **matterang** : MICHAEL MAKES AN ENTRANCE

 

 **quiznackkeith** : but your name is Matthew?

 

 **shiro** : *sigh* you're listening to Bob Marley again, aren't you?

 

 **matterang** : actually no, I'm listening to your breathing from under your bed

 

 **quiznackkeith** : How did you get into our house?

 

 **shiro** : what did I ever do to deserve this

 

 **matterang** : you love me really

 

 **shiro** : unfortunately

 

 **quiznackkeith** : HOw did he Get INTO our HOuse!?

 

 **matterang** : :)

 

 

[4:00 am]

 

 **bestbi** : GUYS WE HAVE A PROBLEM

 

 **matterang** : what kind of problem?  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **Hunkydory** : everything okay, Lance?

 

 **whodunit** : I  couldn't care less tbh

 

 **quiznackkeith** : I second that, Pidge

 

 **bestbi** : I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE JUST BLOWN UP MY KITCHEN

 

 **whodunit** : okay now I'm interested

 

 **quiznackkeith** : of course you did

 

 **matterang** : aha same tho

 

 **Hunkydory** : H o w!?

 

 **bestbi** :  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 **shiro** : Are you okay, Lance?

 

 **whodunit** : did anyone get hurt???

 

 **matterang** : we all know you're not trying to be nice you sadistic gremlin

 

 **Hunkdory** : did you try and put that rocket thing in the microwave again?

 

 **bestbi** : H U N K

 **bestbi** : we agreed to never talk about that again!

 **bestbi** : but yeah, Shiro, I'm alright

 **bestbi** : at least SOMEONE cares

 

 **Hunkydory** : I care! And so do the others!

 

 **whodunit** : as much as I hate to admit it, but yeah, Hunk's right

 

 **bestbi** : awesome because I need a place to stay

 

 **whodunit** : oh would you look at the time

 **whodunit** : gotta hit that sweet REM cycle before class, night guys

 

 **bestbi** : I'm not even surprised

 

 **Hunkydory** : I'm coming to pick you up 

 

 **bestbi** : LOVE YOU BOO <3

 

 

[10:46 am]

 

 **bestbi** : GUYS

 

 **shiro** : Aren't you supposed to be in class?

 

 **bestbi** : yes...BUT I gotta show you all something

 **bestbi** : is everyone here?

 

 **whodunit** : yeah

 

 **Hunkydory** : I'm here

 

 **quiznackkeith** : mhm

 

 **bestbi** : okay so

 **bestbi** : hold up, where's matt

 

 **shiro** : probably working

 

 **bestbi** : desperate times call for desperate measures

 

 **whodunit** : can we hurry this up please

 

 **matterang** : anyone in the mood for a load of CHICKEN?

 

 **bestbi** : now we can start

 **bestbi** : I have gathered you all today to witness this blessing

 

_bestbisent an image (1)_

 

 **Hunkydory** : wait...

 

 **whodunit** : is that...

 

 **bestbi** : yup, that's Lotor

 

 **quiznackkeith** : how the fuck did you get that picture

 **quiznackkeith** : wait I don't wanna know

 

 **shiro** : isn't Lotor that pretentious kid you guys hate?

 

 **matterang** : o m f g

 **matterang** : Katie, are you thinking what I'm thinking

 

 **whodunit** : I wouldn't be a Holt if I wasn't 

 

 **Hunkydory** : yeah, he's the one who stalked Keith last year

 **Hunkydory** : Lance, delete it!! if he finds you with this, he'll kill you!!!

 

 **bestbi** : he won't find out, don't worry

 **bestbi** : I'm a stealth ninja, I got this

 

 **shiro** : oh

 

 **bestbi** : oh shit Lotor heard me laughing

 **bestbi** : HE SAW THE PHOTO

 **bestbi** : ABORY MUSISN SBOU

 

 **matterang** : it was in that moment Lance realised he fucked up

 

 **Hunkydory** : oh my

 **Hunkydory** : no no no this is bad really bad

 **Hunkydory** : everything is  _not_  Hunkydory 

 

_Hunkydorychanged his name to Hunkyfloorit_

 

 **quiznackkeith** : is Lance alright?

 

 **whodunit** : he's as good as dead

 

 **quiznackkeith** : I'm going to his class

 **quiznackkeith** : what room is he in?

 

 **shiro** : _Keith_

 

 **whodunit** : 3.04

 **whodunit** : go protect your boyfriend Keith!

 

 **quiznackkeith** : he's not my boyfriend

 **quiznackkeith** : I just wanna deck Lotor

 

 **shiro** :  _K E I T H_

 

 **matterang** : Let the boy go, Shiro

 **matterang** : besides. We should really ask if Hunk is okay

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : jfijfaneuhfg

 

 **whodunit** : I'll call Shay

 

 **shiro** : That's a good idea

 

 **whodunit** : she's on her way round to Hunk's

 

 **matterang** : [message no longer available]

 

 **whodunit** : I will slit your throat in your sleep

 

_matterang deleted a message_

 

 **whodunit** : thought so

 

 

[11:14 am]

 

 **shiro** : I just got a call from the office. 

 **shiro** : Keith is being sent home but I'm not sure about Lance

 

 **bestbi** : can I catch a ride with you

 

 **shiro** : of course

 **shiro** : but you and Keith are sitting separately 

 

 **bestbi** : it's not MY fault we ended up fighting each other and not Lotor 

 

 **shiro** : but it IS your fault that Keith threw a chair at the teacher and knocked him out

 

 **matterang** : H O L Y  S H I T

 

 **whodunit** : DID ANYONE VIDEO IT

 

 **bestbi** : Thot deserved it tbh

 

 **whodunit** : DID  _ANYONE_  VIDEO IT

 

 **shiro** : I hated Throk so much

 

 **matterang** : bless Keith, our hot-headed emo

 **matterang** : This IS the BesT NewS I've Had ALL yeAR

 **matterang** : WHERE'S MY SAVIOUR AT!?

 

 **bestbi** : glaring at me from the opposite side of the room

 **bestbi** : he's going to kill me

 

 **matterang** : or fuck you

 

 **bestbi** : exactly

 **bestbi** : wait  w h a t

 

 **matterang** : gotta blast

 

 **whodunit** : me too

 **whodunit** : good luck with shiro

 

 **bestbi** : wait shit no

 **bestbi** : he just pulled up and he's in Dad mode

 **bestbi** : SavE US

 **bestbi** : HELLO?

 **bestbi** : helloajf  

 **bestbi** : This is Shiro on Lance's phone. I would like to inform you all that both Keith and Lance have been temporarily banned from their phones and will not be messaging anytime soon :)


	2. shut your quiznack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bestbi: GUESS WHO BITCHES
> 
> quiznackkeith: it's dat boi
> 
> whodunit: skinny penis 
> 
> shiro: I'm already starting to regret my decision

[3:12pm]

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : why's it so quiet?

 **Hunkyfloorit** : It's been almost a week since we last messaged in the chat

 

 **whodunit** : cause Shiro banned lance from his phone

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : 18 years old and he's still being banned off his phone, smh

 

 **shiro** : do you think I was too harsh on them?

 

 **whodunit** : not harsh enough

 

 **Hunkfloorit** : a little

 

 **whodunit** : I wanted to see them cry

 

 **shiro** : I guess it's been long enough...and Throk _did_ kind of deserve it

 **shiro** : no, they can suffer a bit longer

 

 **whodunit** : wow 

 **whodunit** : if he has kids, someone help them

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I thought _we_ were his children

 

 **whodunit** : shit you rite

 

 **matterang** : goooooood eveningggg

 

 **whodunit** : die

 

 **matterang** : are you sure you and Keith aren't the siblings in this chat

 

 **whodunit** : he'd be a better brother than you

 

 **matterang** : ouch

 

 

[6:00 pm]

 

 **bestbi** : GUESS WHO BITCHES

 

 **quiznackkeith** : it's dat boi

 

 **whodunit** : skinny penis 

 

 **shiro** : I'm already starting to regret my decision

 **shiro** : they tag teamed against me

 **shiro** : they memed me

 **shiro** : Lance literally educated Keith just so they could torment me until I gave them their phones back

 **shiro** : how he managed it, I have no idea

 **shiro** : they came crawling into the room like it was a survival documentary or something

 

 **bestbi** : the hunter has become the hunted

 

 **quiznackkeith** : fight the power

 

 **whodunit** : hey Lance, come over. I just reached level 40 on that weird game you downloaded

 

 **bestbi** : w i t h o u t  m e

 

 **whodunit** : bring coffee

 

 **bestbi** : omw

 

 **matterang** : I have a question

 

 **shiro** : why do you always have questions

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : he's just a curious soul

 

 **matterang** : THOSE POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS

 

 **shiro** : Matt

 

 **quiznackkeith** : what is your question

 

 **matterang** : I actually have a couple

 **matterang** : if babies are in the womb for nine months, then how come they aren't 9 months old when they are born?

 **matterang** : how the hell did the man who discovered milk explain what he was doing to the cow in order to discover it?

 **matterang** : who knew what time it was when they made the first clock?

 **matterang** : who invented the concept of time in the first place?

 **matterang** : why is there a 'd' is fridge but not in refrigerator?

 **matterang** : and why can I smell pancakes?

 

 **shiro** : how high are you right now?

 

 **matterang** : like a head or two lower than you?

 

 **quiznackkeith** : ...he has a point...who created the concept of time? Do we even exist without time?

 

 **shiro** : Keith no

 

 **matterang** : wait what's happening?

 

 **shiro** : you broke him

 **shiro** : he's placed his phone face down and now he's rocking back and forth whilst muttering to himself

 **shiro** : congratulations matt

 

 **matterang** : I'm coming over to join him

 

 **shiro** : you're at wORK

 

 **matterang** : what was going on inside the person's head when they decided that you had to go to work?

 

 **shiro** : Okay, I don't trust you driving so I'm coming to pick you up

 

 **matterang** : thanks babe <3

 

 

[11:11 pm]

 

 **bestbi** : 11:11

 

 **whodunit** : w h y

 

 **bestbi** : I'm sharing my wish with you all

 **bestbi** : I want us all to be happy

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'll provide the hugs

 

 **whodunit** : god knows we need them 

 

 **quiznackkeith** : I'll never be happy with you around

 

 **matterang** : of course not

 **matterang** : you'll be ecstatic

 

 **shiro** : I'll buy McDonald's if needed

 

 **bestbi** : fuck bestbi, we got bestdad right here

 

 **shiro** : language

 

_bestbi changed shiro's name to bestdad_

_bestbi changed his name to ilovebiself_

 

 **bestdad** : why am I suddenly being called dad?

 

 **quiznackkeith** : you tell me

 

 **bestdad** : I'm your _b r o t h e r_

 

 **quiznackkeith** : not by blood

 

 **matterang** : YOU NOT MY REAL BRO

 

 **bestdad** : *sigh*

 

 **whodunit** : so...about that McDonald's...

 

 **bestdad** : *double sigh* send me your orders. Matt, you're coming with me. We will meet back at mine and you can all stay the night. Keith will let you all in

 

 **quiznackkeith** : except for lance

 

 **ilovebiself** : but Keeeeith

 

 **whodunit** : BEST DAD EVER 

 **whodunit** : no offence to my real dad, fuck that was insensitive 

 **whodunit** : praying for you and all that shit

 **whodunit** : come back to us in one piece

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : um...Pidge you okay?

 

 **whodunit** : fine. Let's go get FOOD

 

 **ilovebiself** : I'll pick you up 

 

 **whodunit** : best brother ever!

 **whodunit** : fuck Matt

 

 

[1:58 am]

 

 **ilovebiself** : DAD PIDGE IS HITTING ME

 

 **bestdad** : I leave you alone for an hour...

 

 **matterang** : let them have their fun, Shiro

 **matterang** : come back to bed

 

 **bestdad** : you are literally lying _on top of_ me

 

 **ilovebiself** : um heLLO?

 

 **bestdad** : don't hit your brother, Katie

 

 **quiznackkeith** : Kill him, Katie

 

 **ilovebiself** : leave him alone, Katie

 

 **bestdad** : Keith you can't tell people to kill your boyfriend

 

 **quiznackkeith** : again, he's not my boyfriend

 

 **matterang** : but you want him to be  ( ͡⚆ ͜ʖ ͡⚆)

 

 **quiznackkeith** : what the fuck

 

 **matterang** : it's the face of TRUE LOVE

 

 **quiznackkeith** : Shiro, how the hell do you put up with this

 

 **bestdad** : I have no idea, Keith. I have no idea

 

 **matterang** : hey Keith. Do us all a favour and shut up. Don't put us down cause you can't bone Lance

 

 **bestdad** : M A T T

 

 **quiznackkeith** : oooo someone is sensitive

 

 **matterang** : shut your mouth

 

 **quiznackkeith** : shut your quiznack

 

 **bestdad** : shut your quiznack 

 

 **whodunit** : shut your quiznack 

 

_quiznackkeith changed his name to shutyourquiznack_

 

 **ilovebiself** : I fight Pidge for five minutes and I come back to you all slandering me even when I'M NOT HERE

 

 **whodunit** : we love you too _buddy_

 

 **matterang** : who won?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : obviously Pidge

 

 **ilovebiself** : only because I nearly fell on top of a sleeping Hunk!! 

 

 **whodunit** : he's currently stuck between the sofas

 

_whodunit sent an image (1)_

 

 **matterang** : holy shit  h o w

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : h o w  i s  h e  t h a t  f l e x i b l e

 

 **ilovebiself** : wouldn't you like to know, Mullet ;)

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : shut your quiznack 

 

 **ilovebiself** : I hate all of you 

 

 **bestdad** : okay guys it's time to sleep

 **bestdad** : all of you, bed, now. Or I take all your phones off you

 

 **whodunit** : MY PRECIOUS

 

 **matterang** : aha suckers

 

 **bestdad** : including you

 

 **whodunit** : I swear I just heard Matt yell

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : can 100% confirm shiro just took his phone off him because he made a comment about being his favourite so he wouldn't take his phone off him

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm coming down with you three in case they start...doing stuff

 

 **ilovebiself** : I'll show you my flexibility skills ;)

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : read the name. 


	3. anybody want a cat?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunkyfloorit: tell me again. How many cats did you take in?
> 
> Hunkyfloorit: and don't lie to me
> 
> ilovebiself: 3...
> 
> Hunkyfloorit: L A N C E
> 
> ilovebiself: I K N O W
> 
> ilovebiself: H E L P M E

[11:48 am]

 

_ilovebiself > Hunkyfloorit_

 

 **ilovebiself** : HUNK I NEED HELP

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : what did you do this time?

 

 **ilovebiself** : I may or may not have brought a cat home

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : w h A T

 

 **ilovebiself** : IT WAS ALONE IN THE RAIN 

 **ilovebiself** : I COULDN'T JUST LEAVE IT

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance, you can barely look after yourself, never mind a cat

 **Hunkyfloorit** : you need to take it to a shelter

 

 **ilovebiself** : but she's so cute! 

 

_ilovebiself sent an image (5)_

 

 **ilovebiself** : look at her little blue eyes and spotted fur

 **ilovebiself** : the first picture is Akira, he bites a lot

 **ilovebiself** : the next two are of Layla, she is super chill

 **ilovebiself** : and just look at how _ADORABLE_ they are!!

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance

 

 **ilovebiself** : yeah?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : tell me again. How many cats did you take in?

 **Hunkyfloorit** : and don't lie to me

 

 **ilovebiself** : 3...

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : L A N C E

 

 **ilovebiself** : I  K N O W

 **ilovebiself** : H E L P  M E

 

 

[2:03 pm]

 

_ilovebiself > Groupchat_

 

 **ilovebiself** : so...anybody want a cat?

 

 **bestdad** : what?

 

 **matterang** : why would we want a cat?

 

 **whodunit** : where has this come from?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'd like a cat

 

 **ilovebiself** : fuck off, Kogane, they're mine

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : but you just said 'anybody want a cat?'

 

 **ilovebiself** : I knOW what I said

 **ilovebiself** : I just don't want to get rid of them!

 

 **bestdad** : since when did you have a cat(s)?

 

 **ilovebiself** : since about two hours ago 

 

 **matterang** : what did you do? Pick them up off the street or something

 

 **ilovebiself** : ...

 

 **bestdad** : _Lance_

 

 **ilovebiself** : I ALREADY HEARD IT FROM HUNK PLEASE DON'T

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'd still like a cat if you're giving them away 

 **shutyourquiznack** : but it would have to be laid back and not want too much attention

 **shutyourquiznack** : can't deal with another Lance but in animal form and always around me

 

 **ilovebiself** : h E Y 

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : hi

 

 **bestdad** : Keith, you're not having a cat

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : why not? 

 

 **bestdad** : because

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : ???

 

 **bestdad** : go to your room

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm already in my room

 

 **bestdad** : fine then get on top of the fridge. Go on. I'll wait

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : how is that fAIR

 

 **bestdad** : GO.

 **bestdad** : and stay there until you no longer want the cat

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : FINE

 

 **matterang** : REFRIGERATOR

 

 **ilovebiself** : what the

 

 **whodunit** : why the fridge?

 

 **matterang** : okay so Shiro has this thing called 'Time Out'

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : what a Dad thing to do 

 

 **matterang** : and one time, he had had enough of Keith punching everyone whenever he felt like it. 

 **matterang** : so, Keith had just fucking decked Iverson - gave him a black eye and everything - and Shiro dragged him home by his ear and told him to climb on top of the friDge as punishment

 **matterang** : and Keith was just squashed there glaring like 'what the fuck man' and he looked like more of a gremlin than Katie in a morning. And he fell off it trying to get back down.

 **matterang** : so that's how Shiro controls Keith whenever he gets 'out of hand'

 

 **ilovebiself** : that was the best thing I heard all day 

 

 **matterang** : shit gtg they're shouting

 

 **whodunit** : IS THAT WHY YOU WEREN'T HOME LAST NIGHT!?

 

 **matterang** : gotta blast 

 **matterang** : {zyoom}

 

 **whodunit** : what a dork

 

 **ilovebiself** : so Pidgey. want a cat?

 

 **whodunit** : no

 

 **ilovebiself** : :(

 

 

[7:20 pm]

 

_shutyourquiznack > ilovebiself_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : so, about that cat

 

 **ilovebiself** : are you kidding me?

 **ilovebiself** : Shiro would KILL me

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : not my problem

 

 **ilovebiself** : K e e f

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : are you going to give me the cat or not?

 

 **ilovebiself** : are you going to take care of it?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : of course I am

 

 **ilovebiself** : come over, you can choose which one you want 

 **ilovebiself** : BUT AKIRA IS MINE

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : wait how many do you have?

 

 **ilovebiself** : 3. two that you can choose from

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : okay I'm coming over

 

 **ilovebiself** : what are you going to tell shiro?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : don't worry, I've got this

 

 **ilovebiself** : front door is unlocked

 

...

 **shutyourquiznack** : wait, you named your cat Akira? As in my middle name Akira?

...

 **shutyourquiznack** : Lance?

...

 

[7:47 pm]

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : okay this isn't funny. Unlock the door and let me in

 

 **ilovebiself** : :)

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : unlock the door, Lance

 

 **ilovebiself** : *screams*

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : why did you lock me out if you wanted me to come over?

 

 **ilovebiself** : I don't wanna give them away!

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : Let me in

 

 **ilovebiself** : are you going to kill me? Because in the movie, the vampire killed almost everyone

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : Lance. Let me in, or else

 

 **ilovebiself** : oh whatcha gonna do? huff and puff and blow my house down?

 **ilovebiself** : wait what was that sound?

 **ilovebiself** : ASJFVI E

 

[8:00 pm]

 

_ilovebiself > Groupchat_

 

_ilovebiself sent a screenshot (1)_

_ilovebiself sent a video (1)_

 

 **ilovebiself** : this was not worth it

 **ilovebiself** : look waht he did to my door!

 

 **whodunit** : waht

 **whodunit** : but look how proud he looks omg

 

 **bestdad** : _Keith_

 

 **matterang** : oho and how are you going to pay that off?  ( ͡o ͜ʖ ͡o)

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : how many of those faces do you have!?

 

 **matterang** :  ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **bestdad** : but seriously, Keith. You're paying for that

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : but I barely have enough money for coffee

 

 **bestdad** : then you can fix it yourself

 **bestdad** : we all know you built that shack when you ran off two years ago

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : fuck

 

 **bestdad** : watch your language or you'll go back in timeout

 

 **ilovebiself** : thanks dad :)

 

 **bestdad** : anytime, Lance :)

 

 **matterang** : so how do you feel about Keith getting all hot and sweaty fixing your door and using those muscles of his, Lance?

 

 **ilovebiself** : hah, what muscles

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I have muscles!

 

 **ilovebiself** : whatever helps you sleep at night

 **ilovebiself** : now come and fix my door so we can play Mario Kart

 

 **bestdad** : Lance if you give him a cat I will bust down your door and _not_ fix it

 

 **ilovebiself** : don't worry Shiro. I'm not getting rid of my babies. 

 

 **matterang** : you are Sid 

 **matterang** : Sid the Sloth with those dinosaur eggs. 

 **matterang** : there's three cats right? One has blue eyes and the others don't?

 

 **ilovebiself** : w a i t  how did you know that?

 

 **matterang** : Pidge installed cameras in your house

 **matterang** : anyway

 

 **ilovebiself** : w h A T

 

 **matterang** : you are a sloth, confirmed

 

 **whodunit** : I don't have time to put cameras in your house Lance, he just guessed 

 

 **matterang** :  ಠ_ಠ

 

 **ilovebiself** : I should really go check on Keith, he's being suspiciously quiet

 

 **matterang** : you mean, check him out  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **whodunit** : stop with the FACES

 

 **matterang** :  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)╭∩╮

 

 **whodunit** :  (ง ͠° ͟ ʖ ͡°)ง

 

 **matterang** :  (س ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)س

 

 **bestdad** : why do I still put up with this

 

 **matterang** : oFFENDED

 

 **matterang** : fine, if you hate me that much

 **matterang** : break up with me

 

 **bestdad** : okay

 

 **matterang** : wait no

 **matterang** : are you being serious?

 **matterang** : shiro?

 **matterang** : babe?

 

 

[8:30 pm]

 

_whodunit > bestdad_

 

 **whodunit** : he just ran from the house crying

 **whodunit** : just a warning

 

 **bestdad** : don't worry I've got the front room laid out for a movie night and all his favourite snacks are here

 

 **whodunit** : you two are disgusting

 

 **bestdad** : -ly cute

 

 **whodunit** : exPLAIN

 

 **bestdad** : gotta blast

 **bestdad** : {zyoom}

 

 **whodunit** : matt is a bad influence on you


	4. you not my dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ilovebiself: she said The Word
> 
> whodunit: Matt grab the popcorn!
> 
> Shitterang: I'm at Shiro's get it yourself 
> 
> Hunkyfloorit: 3, 2, 1...

[11:58 am]

 

_Hunkyfloorit > Groupchat_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : jw why hasn't anyone changed the group name yet?

 

_ilovebiself changed the group name to Loverboy Lance Is Life_

 

_matterang changed the group name to Kinky Hoes_

 

_ilovebiself changed the group name to Matt Sucks Dick_

 

_matterang changed the group name to Does Lance Is Gay ¯\\_(⊙_ʖ⊙)_/¯_

 

_ilovebiself changed the group name to Shitterang_

 

 **matterang** : omfg I love it 

 

_matterang changed their name to Shitterang_

 

 **ilovebiself** : wait no change it back!

 **ilovebiself** : you're not supposed to love it!

 

 **Shitterang** : too late :)

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : this is not what I meant guys

 

_shutyourquiznack changed the group name to We Try To Be Nice_

 

 **ilovebiself** : yeah but you're just an asshole

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : 1) read my name, 2) why can't we just get along like normal people? 

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : all you need is a little bonding time

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : A L L U R A

 

 **ilovebiself** : she said The Word

 

 **whodunit** : Matt grab the popcorn!

 

 **Shitterang** : I'm at Shiro's get it yourself 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : 3, 2, 1...

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : WE _HAD_ A BONDING MOMENT

 

 **ilovebiself** : yeah yeah

 **ilovebiself** : you cradled me in your arms

 **ilovebiself** : we get it

 **ilovebiself** : shame it never happened

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING REMEMBER IT

 **shutyourquiznack** : I  s a v e d  you 

 

 **ilovebiself** : nope, don't remember. didn't happen

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : i hate you 

 

 **ilovebiself** : well ilovebiself so it's all good

 

_shutyourquiznack changes ilovebiself's name to allbybiself_

 

 **allbybiself** : oh come on 

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : fucker

 

 **bestdad** : language

 

 **allbybiself** : fuck you Keith

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : no fuck you

 

 **bestdad** : will you two watch your fuCkING lanGUage

 

 **whodunit** : oo dad swore

 

 **Shitterang** : 50p in the jar, mister

 

 **whodunit** : 6-year-olds shouldn't swear

 

 **bestdad** : u g h

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : guys, I'm trying to eat a salad here

 

 **whodunit** : ew healthy food

 

 **Shitterang** : Keith just stormed out of the house

 **Shitterang** : I bet 20 he's going to Lance's and they're gonna fuck their frustrations away

 

 **whodunit** : or keith's gonna kill him

 

 **Shitterang** : there's a fine line between love and hate

 

 **whodunit** : and there's a fine line between fuck and kill

 

 **bestdad** : KATIE

 

 **Shitterang** : I bet the neighbours are gonna be able to hear banging and moaning

 

 **whodunit** : but who tops?

 

 **Shitterang** : Lance, obvs. Keith is a submissive lil shit

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : In fRoNt of My SaLAD

 

 

[12:19 pm]

 

_allbybiself > Hunkyfloorit_

 

 **allbybiself** : lol I do remember the bonding moment

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : i know

 

 **allbybiself** : I just say I don't to piss him off

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : i know

 

 **allbybiself** : it's so easy to annoy him

 **allbybiself** : of course I remember him holding me

 **allbybiself** : after giving me CPR

 **allbybiself** : you know I faked being passed out just to see if he kissed me

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I k n o w

 

 **allbybiself** : and the way the water in his hair dripped down his neck

 **allbybiself** : or the purple eyes that glistened in the sun and had a look of pure concern when he was asking if I was okay and pulled me in closer to his chest

 **allbybiself** : he was so warm and cuddly and I just

 **allbybiself** : fuck I think I'm gay for Keith

 

 **Hunkfloorit** : I  K N O W

 

 **allbybiself** : oh hey Hunk

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : *facepalm* what am I going to do with you

 

 **allbybiself** : fuck ME! What am I gonna do about KEITH?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : just tell him how you feel

 

 **allbybiself** : no way man. he hates my guts 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance he shared his coffee with you the other day and wouldn't let Shiro have any

 **Hunkyfloorit** : and you had your own coffee, Shiro didn't 

 

 **allbybiself** : that doesn't mean anything

 **allbybiself** : who knows where Shiro's mouth has been

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : omg Lance please, it's too early for this

 

 **allbybiself** : it's 3 in the afternoon

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : exactly 

 

 **allbybiself** : same tho

 

 

[9:00 am]

 

_Hunkyfloorit > We Try To Be Nice_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : hey guys! it's shay!!

 

 **allbybiself** : S H A Y

 

 **whodunit** : LITERAL SUNSHINE

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : oh hello, Shay :)

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I've missed you guys so much

 

 **allbybiself** : I bet you missed Hunk the most though ;)

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : certainly! he's been so sweet to me since I got back

 

 **whodunit** : how long are you staying for?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : maybe a year

 

 **whodunit** : aha Y E S

 

 **allbybiself** : we can have a reunion!!

 **allbybiself** : party at mine on Saturday, who's in?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Hunk and I are in

 

 **whodunit** : ME

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : I'll drag Matt and Shiro

 

 **allbybiself** : and Keith

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : yeah, and Keith

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : who's Keith?

 

 **allbybiself** : the angsty one

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm not angsty

 

 **allbybiself** : keep telling yourself that, honey

 

 **whodunit** : aren't we all tho

 **whodunit** : we are all just angsty teenagers

 **whodunit** : We are all Keith

 **whodunit** : Broody 

 **whodunit** : And emo

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I am emo

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : MCR?

 **shutyourquiznack** : P!ATD?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : OBVIOUSLY

 **Hunkyfloorit** : FOB

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : YET

 **shutyourquiznack** : *YES

 **shutyourquiznack** : Fit For Rivals!?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : OMG RENEE 

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : F I N A L L Y

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : FELLOW EMO

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I HAVEN'T SEEN A FELLOW EMO SINCE THE LAST SCHOOL DANCE WHEN THEY PLAYED BLACK PARADE

 **shutyourquiznack** : *Without a G note warning*

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : those mONSTERS

 

 **allbybiself** : what the fuck did I just witness

 

 **whodunit** : emo convention

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : so, how is everyone?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : dead inside

 

 **allbybiself** : drowning in my insecurities 

 

 **whodunit** : trying to inject coffee into my bloodstream 

 

 **Shitterang** : Lying on the floor and screaming to be put in a 4-year coma

 

 **whodunit** : can confirm

 

 **bestdad** : what a lovely family we have

 

 

[9: 38 am]

 

_allbybiself > shutyourquiznack_

 

 **allbybiself** : hey man, are you okay?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I could ask you the same question

 

 **allbybiself** : Disney movies and takeout?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'll sneak out

 

 **allbybiself** : what are you grounded for this time?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'd rather not say...

 

 **allbybiself** : ...

 **allbybiself** : okay I'm ordering, the door is unlocked this time I promise

 

 

[10:35 pm]

 

_bestdad > We Try To Be Nice_

 

 **bestdad** : does anyone know where Keith is? I haven't heard from him all day and he isn't in his room

 

 **whodunit** : nope

 

 **Shitterang** : probably fucking Lance

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Hunk and I have been in all day, can't help you, sorry

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : I've been sliding through my house in socks

 

 **allbybiself** : he's probably cryptid hunting

 

 **whodunit** : he never goes without me

 

 **bestdad** : keith, answer your phone

 **bestdad** : tell me where you are

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : you not my dad

 

 **bestdad** : keith, seriously. Where are you?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : not in my room

 

 **bestdad** : I asked where you are not where you aren't

 

 **Shitterang** : leave him to fuck his boyfriend

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I don't have a boyfriend

 

 **whodunit** : you'll be saying that even when you're married

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : what?

 

 **bestdad** : Keith, come home

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : can't catch me

 

 **allbybiself** : he's the gingerbread man

 

 **bestdad** : you about to catch these hands if you don't come home this instant

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I haven't done anything wrong

 

 **bestdad** : you punched a 12-year-old because he took the last orange flavoured ice cream from the ice cream van

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : read. the. name.

 

 **allbybiself** : wait THAT'S why you were grounded!?

 

 **whodunit** : Keith is my spirit animal

 

 **bestdad** : Katie no

 

 **whodunit** : Katie yes

 

_whodunit changed their name to KatieYES_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : you can't keep me locked away all the time

 

 **allbybiself** : true, I'm scared he's actually going to turn into Rapunzel if he sings along any more aggressively 

 **allbybiself** : wait shit

 

 **bestdad** : YOU'RE HARBOURING HIM?

 

 **allbybiself** : no, we watched Tangled last week and he was singing really aggressively

 **allbybiself** : we totally didn't sneak him out this morning so we could binge watch Disney films and eat junk food

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : why couldn't you keep your quiznacking quiznack shut!?

 

 **bestdad** : I'm coming over

 

 **allbybiself** : AHHHHH

 

 **KatieYES** : BARRICADE THE DOORS

 

 **Shitterang** : I'd run for the hills

 **Shitterang** : he just grabbed a baseball bat

 **Shitterang** : he's a man on a mission

 **Shitterang** : "the hunter has become the hunted"

 

 **KatieYES** : rip

 **KatieYES** : they sacrificed themselves for a good cause


	5. I'm going to sneak out and whack him with a shoe I found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shutyourquiznack changed the group name to filthy motherfuckers
> 
> bestdad: do you want to go back on the fridge?
> 
> shutyourquiznack changed the group name to we love our dad

[5:00 pm]

 

_bestdad > We Try To Be Nice_

 

 **bestdad** : LANCE

 

 **allbybiself** : [this number is currently unavailable]

 

 **bestdad** : We are in a _group chat_ lance

 **bestdad** : it's an app, not a number

 

 **allbybiself** : [this number is now available] 

 **allbybiself** : oh hello Shiro, how may I help you?

 

 **bestdad** : Care to explain this

 

_bestdad sent a photo (3)_

 

_allbybiself took a screenshot (3)_

 

 **allbybiself** : oh look how adorable they are!!!

 

 **bestdad** : why does Keith have a cat? Is it one of yours by any chance?

 

 **allbybiself** : If I say no will you believe me?

 

 **bestdad** : no

 

 **allbybiself** : then that's my cue to leave

 

_allbybiself left the chat_

 

 **Shitterang** : omfg those pictures are ADORABLE

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : he looks like a child caught with his hand in a cookie jar

 

 **KatieYES** : Look how it buried into his hair when Shiro barged in!!! awwwe

 

 **Shitterang** : oho what's this?

 **Shitterang** : has my gremlin sister gone soft over a cat?

 

 **KatieYES** : I will fuck you up 

 

 **Shitterang** : come at me bitch

 

 **KatieYES** : oh it's on dickhead

 

 **bestdad** : L A N G U A G E

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : y'all are filthy motherfuckers

 

_shutyourquiznack changed the group name to filthy motherfuckers_

 

 **bestdad** : do you want to go back on the fridge?

 

_shutyourquiznack changed the group name to we love our dad_

 

 **bestdad** : good boy :)

 

 **Shitterang** : ooo kinky  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **bestdad** : Matthew

 

 **Shitterang** : *screeches* gotta blast

 

 **bestdad** : someone add Lance back whilst I deal with this

 

 **Hunkyfloorit:** is nO One gONNa comment ON How AlLurA called us filthy motherfuscket?!?! 

 

_KatieYES changed their name to filthy motherfuscket_

 

 

[5:17 pm]

 

_bestdad > allbybiself_

 

 **bestdad** : Lance

 

 **allbybiself** : I'M SORRY SHIRO

 **allbybiself** : PLEASE DON'T KILL ME

 **allbybiself** : BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM

 **allbybiself** : he held her so gently, so purely

 **allbybiself** : he was _smiling_  shiro

 **allbybiself** : _Keith_ was _s m i l i n g_

 **allbybiself** _:_ and it was so fucking adorable

 **allbybiself** : and he kissed her forehead whilst talking to her in a baby voice

 **allbybiself** : she took to him immediately and I couldn't say no to him

 **allbybiself** : don't take her away from him. Please, she will be good for him and she's really tame I promise

 

 **bestdad** : okay, if you really think so 

 

 **allbybiself** : wait really!?

 

 **bestdad** : yeah, I mean I know he doesn't really get along well with people so a cat may be good for him

 **bestdad** : thank you lance

 

 **allbybiself** : don't thank me, I just want Keith to be happy

 

 **bestdad** : you really care for him don't you?

 

 **allbybiself** : waht no no aha its not like that at all!!

 

 **bestdad** : calm down Lance

 **bestdad** : I meant as in you care about him because he's your friend

 

 **allbybiself** : aha I knew that 

 

 **bestdad** : so. you think Keith is adorable? 

 

 **allbybiself** : NO OMG SHUT UP SHIRO

 **allbybiself** : ALSO STOP SMIRKING

 

 **bestdad** : smirking?? who's smirking?? there's no one smirking here :)

 

 **allbybiself** : god you're such a dad

 

 

[8:24 pm]

 

_shutyourquiznack > allbybiself_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm not sure what you said but thank you

 

 **allbybiself** : what for?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : well, Shiro left the house about two hours ago and he's just come home with three bags full of cat things for Layla 

 **shutyourquiznack** : he was threatening to take her to a shelter

 **shutyourquiznack** : but he just apologised and said 'thank Lance' 

 **shutyourquiznack** : so thank you

 

 **allbybiself** : aw don't worry about it, Mullet :)

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm too happy to be even slightly mad at you

 

 **allbybiself** : just take care of her for me, Akira misses her

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'll bring her around sometime when she's settled

 

 **allbybiself** : deal

 

 

[6:32 am]

 

_Shitterang > we love our dad _

 

 **Shitterang** : it's Wednesday ma dudes

 **Shitterang** : who's down for Go Karting?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : if I get to hit people I'm in

 

 **allbybiself** : no no Keith, that's bumper cars

 **allbybiself** : Go Karting is racing

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : oh :(

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm still down for it though 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : hell yeah, I'm gonna kick your asses

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : sorry guys, I don't have good experiences with Go Karting

 

 **allbybiself** : I can confirm

 **allbybiself** : let's save Hunk and leave him outta this one

 

 **HUnkyfloorit** : thanks Lance :)

 

 **allbybiself** : no problem buddy :)

 

 **Shitterang** : okay so

 **Shitterang** : I'll pick you all up in an hour and we will go to McDonald's and then Go Karting

 

 **allbybiself** : h e l l  y E A H

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : You are slowly earning my respect as my brother

 

 **Shitterang** : aw pidgey <3

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : nvm I take it back

 

 **Shitterang** : </3

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I call shotgun

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : But I'm the youngest!

 

 **allbybiself** : guys no

 **allbybiself** : Matt and I are best buds, aren't we Matto

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : exCUSE ME

 

 **allbybiself** : oh no Hunk you're my _brother_ , my _best friend_

 **allbybiself** : Matt is my _best bud_

 

 **Shitterang** : so I'm not good enough for you??

 

 **allbybiself** : what n O 

 

_allbybiself is typing..._

 

 **bestdad** : none of you are calling shotgun

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : let me guess, cause you're calling it

 

 **bestdad** : no because none of you are going

 

 **Shitterang** : w h A T

 

 **allbybiself** : w h A T

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : w h A T

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : what why

 

 **bestdad** : you all have class, and Matt, you have work

 

 **Shitterang** : it's Wednesday my dudes

 **Shitterang** : no work for moi :D

 

 **bestdad** : It's moNDAY

 

 **Shitterang** : yes work for moi D:

 

 **bestdad** : wait...you're drunk aren't you?

 

 **Shitterang** : hmmmm no?

 

 **allbybiself** : why do you think he's drunk?

 

 **bestdad** : Matt never offers to take anyone to McDonald's

 **bestdad** : mainly because he has no money

 **bestdad** : he only does that when he's drunk and then runs off when he reaches the pay section in the drive-through

 **bestdad** : so I pay for him

 

 **allbybiself** : aw goals

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : ew no

 

 **allbybiself** : well what would you rather do?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : not have a relationship

 

 **allbybiself** : that's kinda sad and lonely 

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I have a challenge for you. Read both of our usernames

 

 **allbybiself** : I hate you 

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : :)

 

 **Shitterang** : awww young loooove <3 I remember when me and Shiro were like that

 

 **bestdad** : Matt you need to get ready for work

 

 **Shitterang** : work? but it's wednesday I don't have work

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I wouldn't bother with him Shiro

 **filthy motherfuscket** : he's useless sober, he'd be even worse in this state

 

 **Shitterang** : I came out to have a good Wednesday and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

 

 **bestdad** : Matt go to bed

 

 **Shitterang** : you not my dad

 

 **bestdad** : no but I'm your Daddy so bed, now

 

 **allbybiself** : I JUST SPAT COFFEE ALL OVER MY ASSIGNMENTS

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : In FRonT oF mY SaLAd

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : TOO MUCH INFORMATION

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : what's the difference?

 

 **allbybiself** : google

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : okay one minute

 **shutyourquiznack** : so that's why he was calling you Daddy the other night

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I have essays to finish, bye

 

 **Shitterang** : holy shit we scared the gremlin away

 **Shitterang** : ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

 

 **bestdad** : Matthew Holt, go to bed

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : ohhhh shit the full name card

 

 **Shitterang** : no I can't

 

 **bestdad** : why not?

 

 **Shitterang** : there's a man in my bedroom

 **Shitterang** : I'm currently hiding under my bed

 

 **allbybiself** : wait where's Pidge?

 

 **bestdad** : call the authorities

 **bestdad** : do you need me to come over?

 

 **Shitterang** : please

 **Shitterang** : what if he finds me and kills me?

 

 **bestdad** : okay I'm on my way over

 

 **allbybiself** : I messaged Pidge, she's fine

 

 **Shitterang** : wait keep her on the phone, he's leaving 

 **Shitterang** : I'm going to sneak out and whack him with a shoe I found

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : a shoe?

 

 **allbybiself** : Pidge is armed and dangerous 

 

 **Shitterang** : nearly got him

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : kill him

 

 **Shitterang** : HEADSHOT

 

 **allbybiself** : Pidge said she searched the house and can't find you. Matt w h e r e ARE YOU

 

 **Shitterang** : someone's shouting and coming up the stairs shit 

 **Shitterang** : okay I'm back under the bed

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : Matt

 **shutyourquiznack** : you I D I O T

 **shutyourquiznack** : you're in our house

 **shutyourquiznack** : you knocked Shiro out with his own shoe

 

_shutyourquiznack sent a photo (3)_

 

_shutyourquiznack sent a video (1)_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : okay so I just arrived at Lance's and I haven't read the chat but is this something to do with it?

 

_Hunkyfloorit sent a video (1)_

 

 **Shitterang** : what the fuck is that laugh

 **Shitterang** : also whoops, my bad

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : wait

 **shutyourquiznack** :  HOw did YoU Get INTO our HOuse!?

 

 **Shitterang** : :)


	6. I'm naming it Kevin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filthy motherfuscket: I hate couples. You're like children
> 
> Shitterang: we are children at heart
> 
> Shitterang: and Shiro is 6-years-old
> 
> bestdad: stop saying I'm six, I'm twenty-five
> 
> filthy motherfuscket: hush child, the grown-ups are talking

[7:01 am]

 

_allbybiself > shutyourquiznack_

 

 **allbybiself** : you can't be mad at me forever

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I don't want to talk to you

 

 **allbybiself** : it's been three weeks, Keith

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : and?

 

 **allbybiself** : was it that bad that Shiro found out you were at mine?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : yes

 

 **allbybiself** : why?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : you wouldn't understand

 

 **allbybiself** : try me

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : it's just...I felt so calm when I was at yours

 **shutyourquiznack** : I've been so stressed lately 

 **shutyourquiznack** : but you made it better, easier. It was somewhere where I felt away from everything

 

 **allbybiself** : oh...I'm sorry

 **allbybiself** : let me make it up to you?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : you have five minutes to convince me

 

 **allbybiself** : I'll take you to see the hippos

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : how soon can you get here?

 

 **allbybiself** : look out of your window :)

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : i hate you

 

 **allbybiself** : no you don't

 

 

[7:05 am]

 

_bestdad > we love our dad_

 

 **bestdad** : can someone explain why I just caught Keith climbing out of his window and then running across the street to Lance's car?

 

 **Shitterang** : they're probably going into the woods to fuck

 

 **bestdad** : _Matthew_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : will you just stop for a while

 

 **Shitterang** : f i n e, bye Felicias

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : if they are willingly spending time together then leave them be

 **AlteanPrincess** : maybe Lance will remember this bonding moment

 

 **bestdad** : true

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : no chill

 **filthy motherfuscket** : also Lance totally remembers the 'bonding moment' 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I bet he just says he doesn't to rile Keith up

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : so, who's up for some milkshakes?

 **AlteanPrincess** : my treat, you can come too Matt

 

 **Shitterang** : Shiro's already driving

 **Shitterang** : We'll pick you up on the way, Gremlin

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Gee thanks

 

 

[9:11 am]

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : GUYS I'M PANICKING

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'M LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : How did you lock yourself in your own bathroom?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'M IN THE GARRISON BATHROOMS

 **Hunkyfloorit** : SOME OF US ACTUALLY HAVE SCHOOL

 

 **bestdad** : breathe Hunk

 

 **allbybiself** : karma bitch

 

 **bestdad** : Lance let him out

 

 **allbybiself** : what? I'm not even _at_ the Garrison! 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh yeah, you and Keith eloped this morning

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : he took me to the zoo to see the hippos

 **shutyourquiznack** : and he's gonna buy me a stuffed hippo 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm naming it Kevin

 

 **Shitterang** : aw how cute

 

 **bestdad** : wait so are you on a date?

 

 **allbybiself** : no no no

 **allbybiself** : I'm just making it up to Keith for when I accidentally told you he was at mine

 

 **bestdad** : why? I thought he was over that

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : read my name

 

 **allbybiself** : anyway we have to go, the Lions won't wait for us all day 

 

 **Shitterang** : Shiro I want a stuffed animal

 

 **bestdad** : I'll take you to the zoo one day

 

 **Shitterang** : YAY! 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I hate couples. You're like children

 

 **Shitterang** : we are children at heart

 **Shitterang** : and Shiro is 6-years-old

 

 **bestdad** : stop saying I'm six, I'm twenty-five

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : hush child, the grown-ups are talking 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : thanks for the help guys

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : shit 

 

 **bestdad** : i am so sorry Hunk

 **bestdad** : are you okay?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : yeah. the door wasn't locked after all

 **Hunkyfloorit** : and Pidge I know you're laughing 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : pffft me? laughing? nahh

 

 

[12:30 pm]

 

_shutyourquiznack > bestdad_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : shiro?

 

 **bestdad** : aren't you supposed to on your date with Lance?

 **bestdad** : why are you texting me? that's rude Keith

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : that's what I want to talk to you about

 **shutyourquiznack** : and he's gone to the bathroom 

 

 **bestdad** : what's wrong? do I need to pick you up?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : NO

 **shutyourquiznack** : I mean, it's fine

 **shutyourquiznack** : I've been thinking ever since you called it out on being a date and now idk if it really is a date or not and Lance just got defensive

 

 **bestdad** : Lance is the kind of person to brag about his dates, I'm sure it isn't a date Keith

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : oh

 **shutyourquiznack** : ok

 

 **bestdad** : you don't have to be worried about it being a date

 **bestdad** : unless...you want it to be?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : pft of course not

 **shutyourquiznack** : why would I want to go on a date with Lance?

 

 **bestdad** : ah, denial. the first stage

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : what are you talking about?

 **shutyourquiznack** : first stage to what?

 **shutyourquiznack** : ah shit, he's back. talk later

 

 **bestdad** : language

 **bestdad** : also have fun on your date ;)

 

 **shutyourquiznack** :  ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

 

 **bestdad** : NOT YOU TOO

 

 

[5:41 pm]

 

_allbybiself > we love our dad_

 

 **allbybiself** : help, mama found out about wii sports and now she wants the family to play bowling

 **allbybiself** : she made me drive 3 HOURS to play bowling on the wii

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : knock em all down

 

 **allbybiself** : you do know the pins are fixed, right?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : who said I was talking about the pins?

 

 **allbybiself** : oh

 **allbybiself** : o H

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : :)

 

 **bestdad** : Keith. Just because I grounded you again, doesn't mean you can get Lance to punch people for you

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : damn 

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : do you need me to make an excuse for you, Lance?

 

 **allbybiself** : no no, I love spending time with my family

 **allbybiself** : but maybe have an ambulance on standby

 **allbybiself** : Mateo and I get REALLY competitive 

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : it's _bowling_

 

 **allbybiself** : Keith, buddy, my man

 **allbybiself** : when Mateo and I argue, it's worse than when you and I do

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : shit

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : are you sure you should be playing together?

 

 **bestdad** : that's impossible

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I need to see this

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Mateo once pushed him down the stairs because Lance said Goodmorning to their mom before him

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I like this kid

 

 **allbybiself** : I sprained my ankle and couldn't surf for a g e s

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : oh what a shame

 

 **allbybiself** : oh fuck off Keith

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : did yours two's date not work on anything?

 

 **allbybiself** : for the last time

 **allbybiself** : it

 **allbybiself** : was

 **allbybiself** : not

 **allbybiself** : a

 **allbybiself** : date

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : yeah, like hell I'd want to go on a date with him

 

 **allbybiself** : you wouldn't?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : well

 **shutyourquiznack** : no

 

 **allbybiself** : You'd be missing out. All the ladies love me ;)

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : sure

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Lance, I'm pretty sure you've only ever been in one relationship

 **filthy motherfuscket** : and that was Nyma

 

 **allbybiself** : we don't talk about that time, Pidge

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Pidge

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : wait who is Nyma?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : why? you jEaLOuS??

 

 **allbybiself** : no one

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : no I'm just surprised Lance managed to get a girl to actually stay with him through the first conversation let alone DATE him

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : guys stop

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oho, I know! they were dating for two years!

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : no fucking way

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : PIDGE STOP IT

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance, are you alright?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : so what happened to them? Did Loverboy Lance get too much for her?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : actually, Lance broke it off

 **Hunkyfloorit** : and it's none of your business

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Pidge you need to apologise to Lance _now_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : why?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** :  _now_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : f i n e

 

 

[6:03 pm]

 

_filthy motherfuscket > allbybiself _

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Icame to apologise for what I said in the groupchat

 

 **allbybiself** : don't worry about it, Pidge. I'm alright 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : are you sure?

 

 **allbybiself** : Dude come on, this is me we're talking about

 **allbybiself** : Loverboy Lance is always on a roll ;)

 **allbybiself** : and I could never be mad at you, my little baby gremlin <3

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : okay I take my apology back

 **filthy motherfuscket** : no just ew no

 

 

[6:05 pm]

 

_shutyourquiznack > bestdad_

 

_shutyourquiznack sent an image (2)_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : did I do something wrong?

 

 **bestdad** : I'm not sure

 **bestdad** : maybe he just didn't want to talk about it

 **bestdad** : but you need to stop picking on him like that

 **bestdad** : Lance is a nice guy and anyone would be lucky to have him 

 **bestdad** : I expect better from you, Keith

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I know...

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm sorry

 

 **bestdad** : it's not me you should be apologising to

 

 

[6:10 pm]

 

_shutyourquiznack > allbybiself_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I wanted to apologise for if I said anything that upset you in the group chat

 **shutyourquiznack** : and to also check if you're okay?

 

 **allbybiself** : aw look at lil Keithy-boi being concerned

 **allbybiself** : but I'm not your boyfriend, you don't have to check in on me

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : no but I'm your friend and I want to know if you're okay

 

 **allbybiself** : I'm fine, just messin with you, Mullet

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : when will you stop with that nickname?

 

 **allbybiself** : n e v e r 

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : why do I even bother?

 

 **allbybiself** : :) 

 

 

[6:15 pm]

 

_allbybiself > Hunkyfloorit_

 

 **allbybiself** : how fast can you get to my parent's house?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I've already set off and I'm pretty close, probably about 20 minutes

 **Hunkyfloorit** : can you manage until then?

 

 **allbybiself** : do I really have a choice

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : maybe tell your mom?

 

 **allbybiself** : no

 **allbybiself** : she doesn't need to know. No one does. 

 **allbybiself** : please Hunk

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : okay, Lance

 **Hunkyfloorit** : okay I'm gonna Hunkyfloorit, see you in ten 

 

 **allbybiself** : thank you


	7. The truth is out there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bestdad: patienceyieldsfocuspatienceyieldsfocus

[3:12 am]

 

_shutyourquiznack > we love our dad_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : hey

 **shutyourquiznack** : have you guys ever realised

 **shutyourquiznack** : _the brain named itself_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : oh shit

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : right

 **shutyourquiznack** : and also, we are _snowflakes_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'm pretty sure we're _humans_ , Keith

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I wouldn't be too sure about that, Hunk

 

 **bestdad** : Keith it's 3 am, go to bed

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : just hear me out

 **shutyourquiznack** : each of us IS unique even though we have the same structure and are pretty similar in spite of our differences. And with so many around us, no one will notice the differences unless they look closely enough for them

 

 **bestdad** : wow

 **bestdad** : I...Keith that's actually really poetic

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : also it's really hard to drive through them when they're piled up

 

 **bestdad** : I knew it was too good to be true

 

_shutyourquiznack changed the group name to Snowflake Squad_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : also what if rocks are so hard because they get scared when we go near them and they bring out a shell to protect themselves?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : how stoned are you right now?

 

 **Shitterang** : was that a fucking pun?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : ngl, I am a lil high rn 

 

 **Shitterang** : and you're not sharing?!

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I could hear you and shiro 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I wasn't gonna interrupt that

 **shutyourquiznack** : sounded like you were really enjoying it

 

 **bestdad** : K e i t h

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : what the fuck

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Keith it's too early for this

 **filthy motherfuscket** : get off Tumblr before you drag me out cryptid hunting again 

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : but piiiidge

 

 **bestdad** : Keith leave Pidge alone

 

 **Shitterang** : wait if you masturbate while you smoke weed, are you masturblazing?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : no it's called highjacking

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : guys no it's weedwhacking

 

 **bestdad** : it's called disappointing your mother

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I don't have a mom

 

 **Shitterang** : well done Shiro

 

 

[4:20 am]

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : where does everyone stand on aliens?

 

 **bestdad** : no

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : can I show you my charts?

 

 **AltenPrincess** : fuck no

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Keith, go to sleep

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : I don't have to listen to you, you're like 11

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : go fucking bother Lance

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : ooooo L a n c e

 

 **bestdad** : NO KATIE

 **bestdad** : Lance has an exam at 9 am!!

 **bestdad** : Keith leave your boyfriend alone

 **bestdad** : Keith?

 **bestdad** : _Pidge_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : aw damn my eyes won't stay open, night Shiro 

 

 **bestdad** : patienceyieldsfocuspatienceyieldsfocus

 

 **Shitterang** : o m g imagine if our bellybuttons screamed every time we covered them with a shirt because they were scared of the dark

 

 **bestdad** : why do I bother

 

 

[4:30 am]

 

_shutyourquiznack > allbybiself_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : the truth is out there

 **shutyourquiznack** : and I need your help to find it

 

 **allbybiself** : I stg Keith if you're trying to figure out your sexuality I will kill you

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : oh no, I'm gay af

 **shutyourquiznack** : I'm talking about _aliens_

 

 **allbybiself** : you woke me up at 4 am for _aliens_

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : yeah

 

 **allbybiself** : go to sleep, Keith

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : but I wanna talk to my favourite snowflake

 

 **allbybiself** : what?

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : ummm...he's called Jeremy. Yeah, Jeremy Shada

 

 **allbybiself** : oh okay, well you go talk to Jeremy and I'll go back to sleep

 

 **shutyourquiznack** : okay, goodnight Lance

 

 **allbybiself** : goodnight Keith 

 

 

[4:51 am]

 

_shutyourquiznack > Snowflake Squad_

 

_shutyourquiznack changed his name to dat gayboi_

_shutyourquiznack changed allbybiself's name to loverboy lance_

 

 

[8:29 am]

 

_loverboy lance > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **loverboy lance** : what the fuck did I miss

 **loverboy lance** : anyway, does anyone want to be my study buddy?

 

 **bestdad** : don't you have an exam in half an hour?

 

 **loverboy lance** : nah, it got cancelled. It's tomorrow instead but I just about ready to throw myself out of my window and rip these book apart

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'm at Shay's, sorry. She says hi 

 

 **loverboy lance** : tell her I say hi and that I love her and miss her!!

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance you saw her yesterday

 

 **loverboy lance** : shush

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'm in class

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : at half 8!?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : It sucks ass taking 5 majors 

 

 **bestdad** : I told you to not take so many

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : sorry _dad_

 

 **bestdad** : Matt and I are going on a date, sorry Lance

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : lol school is for losers

 

 **loverboy lance** : oh come on guys, I'm dying here

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : sorry loverboy

 

 **loverboy lance** : but Allura! we had a girl's night!

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : nope, don't remember. Didn't happen

 

 **loverboy lance** : ...

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : doesn't feel nice does it, _Lance_

 

 **loverboy lance** : I hate all of you

 **loverboy lance** : fine, I'll study by myself

 **loverboy lance** : don't cry when I'm gone

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh don't worry, we won't

 

 **bestdad** : Pidge, pay attention in class

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : yes dad

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : if you die can I bring snacks to your funeral yes/yes?

 

 **loverboy lance** : r u D E

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'll take that as a yes :)

 

 **loverboy lance** : u g H

 

 

[11:45 am]

 

_dat gayboi > loverboy lance_

 

 **dat gayboi** : where are you

 

 **loverboy lance** : 3rd-floor library

 

 **dat gayboi** : how long have you been studying

 

 **loverboy lance** : 3 hours

 

 **dat gayboi** : I'm stopping for coffee on the way there, I'll be around 15 minutes, is that okay?

 

 **loverboy lance** : YES OMG YOU ARE AMAZING

 **loverboy lance** : I COULD JUST KISS YOU

 

 **dat gayboi** : please don't

 

 **loverboy lance** : don't worry, I won't steal your innocence just yet ;)

 

 **dat gayboi** : what makes you think I'm innocent!?

 **dat gayboi** : I've kissed plenty of people

 

 **loverboy lance** : come on Keithy-boi

 **loverboy lance** : kissing your grandma on the cheek doesn't count as experience

 

 **dat gayboi** : okay, 1) I never knew my grandma

 **dat gayboi** : 2) I _have_ experience

 

 **loverboy lance** : prove it

 

 **dat gayboi** : fine. See you in 10

 

 **loverboy lance** : wait what

 **loverboy lance** : Keith?

 

 

[12:02 pm]

 

_filthy motherfuscket > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : does anyone know why I've just seen Keith storming into The Garrison with two cups of coffee?

 

 

[2:30 pm]

 

_loverboy lance > Hunkyfloorit_

 

 **loverboy lance** : AIHEBIUYWEUVGQE CBNQEOV 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance?

 

 **loverboy lance** : HEFLIN NCNIKISVEN V

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance are you okay? What's happening? 

 

 **loverboy lance** : HE FUCKING KISSED ME

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : W H A T

 

 **loverboy lance** : KEITH FUCKING KISSED ME

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : WHEN HOW WHY WHAT WHERE FOR REAL

 

 **loverboy lance** : THE LIBRARY AND LIKE AN HOUR AGO IDK IM FREAKING OUT

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : okay okay lance breathe

 **Hunkyfloorit** : tell me what happened from the beginning

 

 **loverboy lance** : okay so as you know I was studying in the Garrison

 **loverboy lance** : and no one would help but then three hours later Keith messaged me

 

_loverboy lance sent a photo (2)_

 

 **loverboy lance** : and THEN HE JUST WALTZES IN LOOKING ALL SEXY WITH COFFEE AND BED HEAD

 **loverboy lance** : HE PRACTICALLY THROWS THE COFFEE ON THE TABLE 

 **loverboy lance** : (it didn't spill dw)

 **loverboy lance** : AND THEN GRABS THE FRONT OF MY JACKET AND PULLS ME TOWARDS HIM AND FUCKING KISSES ME

 **loverboy lance** : I'm pretty sure we gathered an audience and it lasted for like 5 minutes and it was so hot omg

 **loverboy lance** : AND HOLY SHIT HUNK KEITH _KISSED_ ME

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : dID yOU KisS BaCK!? Did YOU EnjOY iT!?

 

 **loverboy lance** : OFC

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : wait what happened afterwards? what does this mean?

 

 **loverboy lance** : that's why I messaged you!! idk what this is gonna do to our relationship!! it was already fragile as it is

 **loverboy lance** : I just sort of played it cool and said something along the lines of: "okay i guess you do have experience. Not bad for a mullet head"

 **loverboy lance** : and then we both got really awkward so we did some studying and then Shiro text Keith so he had to go

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : are you still studying?

 

 **loverboy lance** : hah no I've been freaking out since he left about an hour ago

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : you're gonna have to talk to him about it Lance

 

 **loverboy lance** : nuh uh, no way

 **loverboy lance** : I don't wanna get stabbed thank you

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : when will you man up and admit your feelings for him?

 

 **loverboy lance** : never

 **loverboy lance** : because I don't like _him_

 **loverboy lance** : i like his looks

 **loverboy lance** : and personality 

 **loverboy lance** : and our relationship, like how close we are but not really. idk it's different from everyone else

 **loverboy lance** : and how easy he is to annoy

 **loverboy lance** : he is adorable when he's pissed

 **loverboy boy** : but I don't like _him_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : oh for fuck sake lance

 **Hunkyfloorit** : you are so frustrating

 **Hunkyfloorit** : grow a pair of fucking balls and ask this guy out or you won't have any balls left to try in the future

 

 **loverboy lance** : hi Shay

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'm telling you now Lance. I've only just met Keith and yet I can tell there's sexual tension between you two

 

_loverboy lance is typing..._

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : no excuses

 

 **loverboy lance** : FINE but I get to do it when I feel ready 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : aw I'm so happy for you! Good luck Lance!! I'll pass you back to Hunk now :)

 **Hunkyfloorit** : good luck Lance, I'm proud of you :)


	8. HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOTHERFUCKING WHAT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dat gayboi: I want a restraining order against him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops, I took up a whole chapter for Keith's rant to Shiro without realising

[3:16 pm]

 

_dat gayboi > bestdad_

 

 **dat gayboi** : Shiro, I need to talk to you

 

 **bestdad** : Keith I'm the middle of a date

 **bestdad** : can this wait until I get home? because _unlike some_ , I pay attention to my dates

 

 **dat gayboi** : no

 

 **bestdad** : *sigh* you're lucky you caught me when Matt went to get food

 **bestdad** : you have about ten minutes

 

 **dat gayboi** : I want Lance banned from our house

 

 **bestdad** : dare I ask why?

 

 **dat gayboi** : he's an idiot and he's annoying and I don't want him in our house.  _e v e r_

 

 **bestdad** : you can't see me but I'm rolling my eyes right now

 **bestdad** : what did you fight about this time?

 

 **dat gayboi** : nothing?

 

 **bestdad** : oh god, what did you do?

 

 **dat gayboi** : why do you _always_ assume it's _me_!?!

 

 **bestdad** : do you really want me to explain why?

 

 **dat gayboi** : no, I'm good thanks

 

 **bestdad** : Keith. what happened?

 

 **dat gayboi** : I don't wanna say

 

 **bestdad** : look, if you want me to ban one of my children from our house you have to give me a good reason as to why

 

 **dat gayboi** : why can't you just take my word and ban him?

 

 **bestdad** : this had clearly gotten to you and I just want to help

 

 **dat gayboi** : okay...I'll tell you. But you have to promise not to laugh or get mad or anything

 

 **bestdad** : I'll decide on the outcome after I've heard the story

 

 **dat gayboi** : I guess that's fair enough...

 

 **bestdad** : so come on, Kit-kat. what's bothering you?

 

 **dat gayboi** : okay, so, I saw in the group chat that he needed help studying so I decided to be a nice friend and I messaged him saying I'd be there in 20 with coffee

 **dat gayboi** : and then he gets really fucking excited and says that he could kiss me and I'm like, ew no, please don't. Because who fucking kisses someone just because they get them coffee? that's just fucking weird and desperate 

 

 **bestdad** : language Keith

 

 **dat gayboi** : right, so

 **dat gayboi** : after I say please don't he says he doesn't want to 'steal my innocence just yet'

 **dat gayboi** : like what the fuck does that even mean?

 

 **bestdad** : keith

 

 **dat gayboi** : yeah yeah, I get it. language. 

 **dat gayboi** : so naturally I defend myself and tell him I've kissed plenty of people

 

 **bestdad** : but you haven't? In fact, I'm pretty sure you haven't kissed  _anyone_

 

 **dat gayboi** : he doesn't need to know that!!! 

 

 **bestdad** : so how is this a bad thing?

 

 **dat gayboi** : I'M GETTING THERE GDI CALM YO TITS

 **dat gayboi** : so ANYWAY, 

 **dat gayboi** : he starts an argument about me not having experience and he will not take whatever I say into consideration

 **dat gayboi** : so I said I'd be over in ten, got us some coffee, met him in the library and then made out with him 

 **dat gayboi** : and now I don't know what to do because I swear the whole library watched us the entire time and I just ran after saying you text me

 **dat gayboi** : and for a while now I've felt weird and sick around him and I hate it. I think I'm allergic to him

 **dat gayboi** : I want a restraining order against him

 

 **bestdad** : HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOTHERFUCKING WHAT

 

 **dat gayboi** : YOU LITERALLY JUST TOLD ME OFF FOR SWEARING 

 

 **bestdad** : I HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON TO SWEAR

 **bestdad** : YOU FUCKING KISSED LANCE?

 **bestdad** : HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?

 

 **dat gayboi** : Shiro...I literally just told you

 **dat gayboi** : now ban him from our house and take me to the courts so I can get a restraining order

 

 **bestdad** : awww my lil brother is growing up to be a man with actual feelings and not some mopey emo kid who cries to MCR all day and hates the world. I'm so proud

 

 **dat gayboi** : did you read anything I just said?

 

 **bestdad** : yes I did and I'm not banning Lance

 

 **dat gayboi** : BUT YOU HAVE TO

 **dat gayboi** : please shiro!! I'm honestly going to die when I next see him

 

 **bestdad** : you can't avoid him forever

 

 **dat gayboi** : watch me

 

 **bestdad** : Keith, listen to me

 **bestdad** : you've been running away from this for a while now and I think it's time to stop and face it head on

 

 **dat gayboi** : what are you talking about? I'm literally led on the floor right now, I'm not running anywhere

 

 **bestdad** : no, Keith. I'm talking about your (don't sacrifice me) feelings for Lance

 **bestdad** : you need to realise exactly how you feel about him 

 

 **dat gayboi** : I already know

 **dat gayboi** : he's annoying and predictable but at the same time not, which is really frustrating. And his flirting is ridiculous, and he's so full of himself because he has pretty eyes and a gorgeous face and he damn well knows it

 **dat gayboi** : he ruins every single good moment we have and when I think we're finally getting somewhere with him, he goes and fucking forgets the bonding moment

 **dat gayboi** : I saved his life Shiro, and he doesn't fucking remember it

 **dat gayboi** : do you know how that makes me feel?

 **dat gayboi** : Lance is so outgoing and friendly, and overall a really good person. To be honest, I'm jealous of him. He can talk to anyone and lighten up the room with a single remark or a smile. He always knows what to do when we're upset and he took in those goddamn kittens like the angel he is and then he even gave Layla to me...

 **dat gayboi** : and when I snuck out and we watched Disney films, I actually thought I could be as close to him as he is with the others, that maybe I could have a relationship with him that was somehow different yet similar to everyone else. But maybe I'm just not meant to be in his life...not like all of the others are anyway...he doesn't have room for me. I'm the complete opposite of him

 **dat gayboi** : and that makes me feel so shit. Because I don't deserve him, yet I still want him. I still want to see his ridiculously gorgeous face

 **dat gayboi** : I don't understand

 

 **bestdad** : you like Lance

 

 **dat gayboi** : of course I like him Shiro

 

 **bestdad** : no, Keith. You  _like_ Lance

 

 **dat gayboi** : fuck

 **dat gayboi** : I like Lance

 **dat gayboi** : oh fuck fuck shit fucking no

 **dat gayboi** : this can't be happening

 

 **bestdad** : it's not a bad thing, Kit-kat

 

 **dat gayboi** : it IS! WHAT DO I DO?

 **dat gayboi** : why do I have to like LANCE of all people!?

 

 **bestdad** : do you remember when I said anyone would be lucky to have Lance and that you should stop teasing him?

 

 **dat gayboi** : ...yeah?

 

 **bestdad** : well Lance would be extremely lucky to have  _you_

 

 **dat gayboi** : no that's impossible

 **dat gayboi** : he literally argues with me all the time. I'm pretty sure he strongly dislikes me

 **dat gayboi** : and me and feelings just don't mix

 **dat gayboi** : like

 **dat gayboi** : at all

 

 **bestdad** : Keith, he's your friend. He doesn't 'strongly dislike' you

 **bestdad** : and Matt and I argued a lot when we were crushing on each other before we did exactly what you two did and ended up making out in the middle of a heated argument because we were too stupid to admit we liked each other and ignored it for as long as we could

 

 **dat gayboi** : speaking of Matt, did he die? It's been about 20 minutes

 

 **bestdad** : oh no, he's sat with me. We've been eating whilst helping you out :)

 

 **dat gayboi** : MATT KNOWS!?!?

 **dat gayboi** : hOw CouLD YoU!?

 

 **bestdad** : Keith, listen to me

 **bestdad** : don't run from your feelings anymore

 **bestdad** : I know you're not exactly good with emotions, but Matt and I can help you through this. He's ecstatic you've finally realised by the way. He says he can't wait for the wedding

 **bestdad** : and honestly, Kit-kat, I can't think of anyone I'd rather let date my little brother than Lance McClain, the goofball of our family

 **bestdad** : I've noticed the difference in you since you met him

 **bestdad** : he's good for you, Keith

 **bestdad** : and you deserve happiness

 

 **dat gayboi** : I...thank you, Shiro. And you too, Matt. I really appreciate it

 

 **bestdad** : no problem, baby brother. It's what we're here for :)

 

 **dat gayboi** : I still want a restraining order

 

 **bestdad** : gdi Keith, you're not supposed to get restraining orders against your boyfriend

 

 **dat gayboi** : ugh, you're the worst 

 **dat gayboi** : go back to your date. And I'm locking the door at midnight so you'll be locked out if you come home any later 

 

 **bestdad** : alright, alright I get it, Cheif. I'll be home by midnight like Cinderella at the Ball

 **bestdad** : I love you, Kit-kat

 

 **dat gayboi** : I love you too, space dork


	9. to protect them from the raining dildos, of course

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filthy motherfuscket: Matt what the fuck
> 
> bestdad: ...
> 
> Hunkyfloorit: ...
> 
> Shitterang: OH COME ON
> 
> bestdad: You just lost your wedding planner privileges

[4:21 pm]

 

_Hunkyfloorit added bestdad, filthy motherfuscket, Shitterang and AlteanPrincess to Give Me A Klance_

 

_Hunkyfloorit sent an image (7)_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : GUys It'S HaPPenING 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : ABouT FuckING tIMe 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : GiVE mE a FeW MInUTeS To DIE 

 

 **Shitterang** : wait wait wait these are from Lance?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : duh

 

 **Shitterang** : SHIRO

 **Shitterang** : SHIROSHIROSHIROSHIROBABY

 **Shitterang** : GET YOUR FUCKING ASS IN THE CHAT NOW

 

 **bestdad** : Woah calm down Matt what's going on?

 

 **Shitterang** : READ THE SCREENSHOTS

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I feel like I'm missing something here?

 

 **bestdad** : HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOTHERFUCKING WHAT

 

 **Shitterang** : SHIRO SEND THE PHOTOS

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : yep, definitely missing something

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : okay okay I've calmed down a little now what's happening?

 

_bestdad sent an image (8)_

 

**filthy motherfuscket** _: OkaY NeveyrMINDeejfn_

**filthy motherfuscket** : THis Is TOO mUCh For My HeART tO HaNDLE

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : *EteRnAl ScrEEchING*

 

 **Shitterang** : KLANCE KLANCEKLANCELAJCEUHFIH

 

 **bestdad** : did all of you just die?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I AM IN THE PROCESS

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : THEY'RE FINALLY REALISING

 

 **bestdad** : my babies are finally growing up :)

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : NO SHIRO STOP BEING A COMPLETE DAD ABOUT THIS MY HEART CAN'T HANDLE MUCH MORE

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : such a dad :')

 

 **bestdad** : I just want them both to be happy. They deserve so much better than everything they've already gone through

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : true. I agree with Shiro

 

 **Shitterang** : OKAY SO ARE WE HAVING BLUE OR RED FOR THE WEDDING

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : ooo we should have Lance's side in blue and Keith's in red and then purple decorations and flowers!!

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : but imagine if Lance wore red and Keith wore blue!!!

 

 **Shitterang** : WHAT IF THEY BOTH HAD WEDDING RINGS BUT THE OTHERS COLOUR

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WAIT

 **filthy motherfuscket** : who would be the best man?

 

 **bestdad** :  _obviously me_ , sorry Hunk

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Nah it's cool man

 **Hunkyfloorit** : you are  _bestdad_ after all 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : so if we have Lance dressed in blue and Keith in red, Lance gets a red ring and Keith gets a blue one?

 

 **Shitterang** : EXACTLY

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'M IN CHARGE OF THE MENU

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WE SHOULD CONVINCE ONE TO WEAR A DRESS

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I mean Lance wouldn't be opposed to it  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 **bestdad** : but imagine how cute Keith would look in a dress, 

 **bestdad** : and he's smaller so Lance could carry him like the typical M/F bridal style

 **bestdad** : he would probably punch us for it and hide a knife in the bouquet or a leg garter but just imagine Keith in a wedding dress with red trimmings and purple flowers

 **bestdad** : oh god what the hell are you lot doing to me

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE DAD

 

 **Shitterang** : WE HAVE COOKIES

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I baked them :)

 

 **Shitterang** : WAIT

 **Shitterang** : I JUST HAD THE  _**B E S T**_   IDEA

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : SPILL

 

 **bestdad** : what is it?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I am slightly intrigued...

 

 **Shitterang** : Instead of throwing confetti, we should throw red, blue, and purple dildos at them whilst Careless Whispers plays in the background as Keith walks down the aisle

 **Shitterang** : or Lance walks down, you know, whichever one doesn't want to be lazy

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Matt what the fuck

 

 **bestdad** : ...

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : ...

 

 **Shitterang** : OH COME ON

 

 **bestdad** : You just lost your wedding planner privileges

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Ha MotherFUCKER

 

 **bestdad** : Pidge, language

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : FIGHT ME BITCH

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : WAIT GUYS

 **Hunkyfloorit** : 's all good planning their wedding but how are we going to get them together?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'm glad you asked :)

 

 **bestdad** : I don't like the message that face is giving...

 

 **Shitterang** : she's probably had everything planned since they first met

 

 **bestdad** : you know what? I actually wouldn't put it past her

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you are incorrect Matthew

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Andi is the one with the theories

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I am merely stealing them

 

 **bestdad** : who is Andi?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : a girl I met online whilst trying to hack her father's laptop

 

 **bestdad** : w h a t

 

 **Shitterang** : oh  _Andi_ Andi

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : oh  _that_ Andi

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : okay here we go, from the words of Andi

 **filthy motherfuscket** : 1) the good old truth or dare/seven minutes in Heaven

 **filthy motherfuscket** : 2) twister (tho this is to mainly give them a boner lol)

 **filthy motherfuscket** : 3) push them under mistletoe (even better if there are cameras)

 **filthy motherfuscket** : 4) trap them in a really cold room where they have to cuddle each other for warmth

 **filthy motherfuscket** : 5) kidnap Lance and then when Keith finds him he will confess cause he thought he was gonna lose him and it will break their hearts but lol who cares we get otp material

 **filthy motherfuscket** : 6) to get them on a date it goes like this:  
 _you_ : hey Lance are you free on Friday say around 9 pm?  
 _Lance_ : yeah, why?  
 _you_ : how about you, Keith?  
 _Keith_ : I think so yeah  
 _you_ : okay good cause I'm not. Now go ahead and enjoy these two tickets without me

 **filthy motherfuscket** : okay wait I'm too lazy to keep typing these

 

_filthy motherfuscket sent an image (10)_

 

 **Shitterang** : holy shit HOW MANY!?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : wow this girl is _dedicated_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : she has  _a lot_  of OTPs

 **filthy motherfuscket** : it's pretty scary how invested she gets sometimes tbh

 

 **bestdad** : I like the key one, that's cute

 

 **Shitterang** : oho look at the camel one though  ( ͡o ͜ʖ ͡o)

 

 **bestdad** : Matt. No.

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : some of these are actually really disturbing...

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : the internet ruined her

 **filthy motherfuscket** : she used to be so sweet and innocent 

 

 **Shitterang** : like you then?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh fuck off you twat

 

 **bestdad** : what... is this girl into??

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : dark,  _dark_ things Shiro

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : how can  _anybody_ be into this stuff?

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I mean just read the preantepenultimate one...that's just...

 

 **Shitterang** : hey that's actually a really good idea

 

 **bestdad** : Matt. No.

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Matt. No.

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Matt. No.

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : Matt. No.

 

 **Shitterang** : the fuck Allura you weren't even in the conversation

 **Shitterang** : the fuck you come from 

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : I just logged on and saw everyone typing the same thing so I wanted to join in

 

 **Shitterang** :  ( ͡°╭ʖ╮ ͡° )

 

 **bestdad** : okay so moving on

 **bestdad** : what are we going to do?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : maybe Hunk could cook a lust potion?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : aw hell no Pidge

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : I have a question

 

 **bestdad** : yes?

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : why don't you all just leave  _them_ to sort it?

 **AlteanPrincess** : I mean, they aren't kids anymore and they are mature enough to sort things out between themselves

 **AlteanPrincess** : if you force it, you might make it worse

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Allura, this is Keith and Lance we are talking about

 

 **Shitterang** : pffsh mature my ass

 

 **bestdad** : as much as I hate to admit it, these boys are not exactly the type to do anything about it

 

 **Shitterang** : pussies

 **Shitterang** : they're pussies

 

 **bestdad** :  _M a t t_ I was  _trying_  to be nice

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : well, when someone comes up with a good idea...let me know because I am  _not_ doing anything like the camel or the rug thing...

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : one more thing

 

 **bestdad** : ???

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : I will be the one dressing Lance, Keith and the best men/ bridesmaids AKA me and Pidge

 

 **Shitterang** : WHAT NO THAT'S MY JOB

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : Matt fuck off you look like a hobo when you dress your best

 

 **Shitterang** : ExCUSE ME,  _PRINCES_ _S_ , but  _you_ aren't ruining my children's wedding with your frills and lace and shitty dresses

 **Shitterang** : they will be wearing superhero capes and space helmets 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : why space helmets?

 

 **Shitterang** : to protect them from the raining dildos, of course 

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : as I said

 **AlteanPrincess** : I will be the wedding planner

 

 **Shitterang** : I will be smiling as I snap your neck, watching you die and I will sing praises at your funeral

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : you could try

 

 **Shitterang** : I will sing praises at your funeral

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : looking forward to it  _buddy_ :)

 

 **Shitterang** :  ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

 

 **AlteanPrincess** :  ( ͡⚆ ͜ʖ ͡⚆)╭∩╮

 

 **bestdad** : ALLURA  W H Y

 

 **Shitterang** : (س ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)س

 

_bestdad left the group_

 

_filthy motherfuscket left the group_

 

_Hunkyfloorit left the group_

 

_AlteanPrincess left the group_

 

 **Shitterang** : AHA FUCKERS I WIN

 **Shitterang** : PEACE OUT BITCHES

 **Shitterang** : 

  
(☞⌐▀͡ ͜ʖ͡▀ )☞

 

_Shitterang left the group_

 

_Give Me A Klance died_

 

 

 

[6:03 pm]

 

_Shitterang > loverboy lance_

 

 **Shitterang** : heyyyy babyyyyy

 

 **loverboy lance** : heyyyy sexyyy

 

 **Shitterang** : hows my beautiful boy

 

 **loverboy lance** : better now you're here ;)

 

 **Shitterang** : good cause I need a favour

 

 **loverboy lance** : what kind of favour?  ( ͡⚆ ͜ʖ ͡⚆)

 

 **Shitterang** : I need you to get 200 rolls of toilet paper and meet me at the Broganes in half an hour

 

 **loverboy lance** : you expect me to get 200 rolls of toilet paper in 30 minutes?

 

 **Shitterang** : if that's how long half an hour is then yes

 

 **loverboy lance** : dare I ask?

 

 **Shitterang** : just grab your car, your wallet and 200 rolls. I already have mine :)

 

 **loverboy lance** : Okay now I'm interested. I'll be there in 15  (͡• ͜໒ ͡• )

 

 **Shitterang** : WOO!!! love you dickwad <3

 

 **loverboy lance** : love you too jerkface <3

 

 

 

[6:05 pm]

 

_bestdad > dat gayboi_

 

 **bestdad** : get dressed, stop moping, we're going shopping

 

 **dat gayboi** : you do know you could just talk to me? I am _sat across_  from you

 

 **bestdad** : so why did you text back?

 

 **dat gayboi** : true true fine I'm going

 

 **bestdad** : good boy

 **bestdad** : DON'T YOU STICK YOUR FINGER UP AT ME MISTER

 

...

 

 **bestdad** : wait are you alright? I heard a crash?

 **bestdad** : Keith?

 

 **dat gayboi** : again, you could get off your ass and come and check on me

 

 **bestdad** : too lazy. Hurry up, I want chicken nuggets too

 

 **dat gayboi** : c a l m  y o  t i t t i e s

 

...

 

 **dat gayboi** : okay I'm ready, let's go *he says whilst standing beside him*

 

 **bestdad** : :)


	10. Virg DoucheBaggette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunkyfloorit: should we be afraid...
> 
> Hunkyfloorit: because I certainly am

[8:11 pm]

 

_bestdad > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **bestdad** : MATT AND LANCE WHAT DID YOU DO

 

 **Shitterang** : Me? I haven't done anything.

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : what's happening?

 

 **bestdad** : Keith and I just got home from shopping and the entire house is covered in toilet paper and there's a wall of rolls blocking us from getting to the door

 

 **Shitterang** : and you're blaming me for this because?

 

 **bestdad** : I  _know_ you

 

 **loverboy lance** : If you know it was Matt then why drag  _me_ into it!? I'm woUNDED

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : this is amazing, I didn't think you'd actually go through with it Matt

 

 **Shitterang** : KATIE

 

 **bestdad** : Lance.

 **bestdad** : You and Matt are the  _only_ ones who are stupid enough to waste money you don't have on toilet paper to spend who knows how long covering my house

 **bestdad** : And Matt doesn't have what it takes to do this by himself

 **bestdad** : You're both the same

 

 **loverboy lance** : rUDE

 

 **Shitterang** : rUDE

 

 **bestdad** : case closed

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Have you managed to get into your house yet?

 

 **bestdad** : Keith is having the time of his life knocking it all down 

 

_bestdad sent a video (1)_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I WANNA JOIN IN SHIRO PICK ME UP

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : ME TOO

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I can bring black bags!! If that helps..?

 

 **bestdad** : well...we  _do_ need to get it all off the house...

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : YES, YES YOU DO

 **filthy motherfuscket** : ME AND KEITH MAKE THE PERFECT TAG TEAM FOR BREAKING THINGS

 **filthy motherfuscket** : IT WILL BE DOWN IN NO TIME!!

 

 **bestdad** : Matt and Lance will be cleaning up the majority though

 

 **Shitterang** : oh come on!

 

 **loverboy lance** : that's not fair!

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'll just be the gremlin I am and fight you all from our fort. Keith already agreed

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : oho war has been declared

 

 **bestdad** :  _you're_  the ones who did this

 

 **Shitterang** : exactly, we did all the hard work

 

 **loverboy lance** : so now it's everyone else's turn 

 

 **Shitterang** :  :)

 

 **loverboy lance** :  :)

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : should we be afraid...

 **Hunkyfloorit** : because I certainly am

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : they're fucking demon twins

 

 **Shitterang** :   >:)

 

 **loverboy lance** :   >:)

 

 **bestdad** : I'm on my way to pick you all up

 **bestdad** : and Pidge, watch your language

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : and you're leaving Keith alone?

 

_bestdad sent a video (1)_

 

 **bestdad** : he'll be occupied for a while

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : OMG sHIrO hURrY 

 

 **Shitterang** : see, I knew something good would come of this!

 

 **loverboy lance** : Keith finally gets to pretend he's a samurai

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : guys, whilst Shiro isn't on the group chat

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'm actually impressed

 

 **Shitterang** :  AWWW PIDGEY :D <3

 

 **loverboy lance** :  AWWW PIDGEY :D <3

 

 **Shitterang** : Okay, dude we need to stop doing that 

 

 **loverboy lance** : ~~ aww but it's  _our thing_  ~~

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'm concerned that you are my brothers

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : bless Keith's little non-existent soul 

 

 

 

[11:23 pm]

 

_filthy motherfuscket added Hunkyfloorit, bestdad and Shitterang to Don't Let Lance or Keith See Your Phones_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Did anyone else notice how they both kept staring at each other when the other wasn't looking?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : yup

 

 **bestdad** : Unfortunately

 

 **Shitterang** : The pining wars continue

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : what about when Lance dove into Pidge and Keith's fort and said something to him and Keith just stuffed a whole role in his mouth and flushed bright red?

 

 **bestdad** : are we just stating the obvious here?

 

 **Shitterang** : these kids are full of SexUal TenSIon 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Uh huh! But now they're acting  _completely normal?!?!_  Lance is singing under his breath and Keith is just... being  _Keith_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Just leave it alone for tonight...I'm too tired

 

 **Shitterang** : As much as I love the two idiots, I want to watch Frozen in peace without their pining asses ruining it

 

 **bestdad** : Agreed

 

...

 

 **bestdad** : Our plan starts tomorrow evening

 **bestdad** : good night children

 

 

 

[9:42 am]

 

_loverboy lance > dat gayboi_

 

 **loverboy lance** : Keith?

 

 **dat gayboi** : Lance?

 

 **loverboy lance** : I was wondering...about the other day

 **loverboy lance** : you know, in the library

 

 **dat gayboi** : oh. okay, hear me out

 **dat gayboi** : I'm sorry I kissed you...but... I just, you challenged me. 

 **dat gayboi** : It didn't mean anything

 

 **loverboy lance** : oh...

 

 **dat gayboi** : I won't do it again...I promise, okay? So can we just drop it and forget about it?

 

 **loverboy lance** : so...it meant  _nothing_...you're not going to kiss me again?

 

 **dat gayboi** : well...I mean if you want to...

 

 **loverboy lance** : Keith -

 

 **dat gayboi** : no wait I take that back - I 

 **dat gayboi** : just forget I said anything I'm sorry 

 **dat gayboi** : I'm tired and not thinking straight and

 

 **loverboy lance** : would you like to go on a date with me?

 

 **dat gayboi** : I didn't mean to make things weird. I still want to be your frie

 **dat gayboi** : wait

 **dat gayboi** : what?

 

 **loverboy lance** : Keith, I like you...have done for a while now. I've just been too much of a pussy to admit it to you

 

 **dat gayboi** : I...oh

 

 **loverboy lance** : and I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me?

 

 **dat gayboi** : A date? like a  _date_ date?

 

 **loverboy lance** : you can't see me right now but I'm rolling my eyes

 **loverboy lance** :  _yes_ , Keith a ' _date_ date'. what o t h e r kinds of dates are there?

 

 **dat gayboi** : idk!!

 **dat gayboi** : i mean yeah

 **dat gayboi** : Yes, I would like to go on a date with you, that is

 

 **loverboy lance** : really!? yes!!

 **loverboy lance** : tonight?

 **loverboy lance** : I can take you out tonight??

 

 **dat gayboi** : oh fuck we are so bad at this

 **dat gayboi** : but yeah, tonight's good

 **dat gayboi** : we can go to the aquarium to see the sharks because you already took me to see the hippos

 

 **loverboy lance** : I can go to the aquarium at any time

 **loverboy lance** : I was thinking something more along the lines of UFO spotting?

 **loverboy lance** : I know a good stargazing spot near my parent's house and I already checked - tonight is going to be the clearest night of the year, and it's a full moon

 

 **dat gayboi** : omfg it's  _p e r f e c t_

 **dat gayboi** : holy shit Lance that's so sweet of you...

 **dat gayboi** : I could kiss you omg you're taking me  _UFO spotting_  for our first date...why are you so goddamn adorable 

 **dat gayboi** : you have already exceeded my standards holy fuck

 

 **loverboy lance** : It's my natural charm ;)

 **loverboy lance** : And I won't reject your offer like you did mine

 **loverboy lance** : I want you to kiss me without it being a challenge next time

 

 **dat gayboi** : shut up

 

 **loverboy lance** : make me

 

 **dat gayboi** : I'm going to stab you if you carry on

 

 **loverboy lance** : you're not supposed to stab your  _date_ , Keith

 

...

 

[9:59 am]

 

 **loverboy lance** : Okay I think you may be screaming and sharpening your knife rn so I'll just pick you up at 7, Mullet

 **loverboy lance** : It's a long drive and I'll have you back tomorrow morning, bring a blanket

 

...

 

[10:19 am]

 

 **dat gayboi** : can't wait :)

 

 

 

[3:32 pm]

 

_Hunkyfloorit > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : gUYS

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : this better be good

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I paused my game for this

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I found an old video and omfg I'll just send it

 

_Hunkyfloortit sent a video (1)_

 

 **loverboy lance** : HUNK NO

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : HOLY SHIT

 

 **dat gayboi** : what...the fuck

 

 **bestdad** : woah...La n c e

 

 **loverboy lance** : I HATE YOU ALL SHUT UP ALL OF YOU

 **loverboy lance** : HUNK  W H Y

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** :  >:D

 

_filthy motherfuscket saved a video (1)_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : thanks for the material Hunk :)

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : no problem Pidge :)

 

 **loverboy lance** : I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU 

 

 **bestdad** : I'm concerned but very impressed, Lance

 **bestdad** : where did you even learn to do that?

 

 **loverboy lance** : I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance was...let's say he was passionate about music and dancing

 **Hunkyfloorit** : He'd spend HOURS learning the routines to almost every meme song he knew

 **Hunkyfloorit** : And we snuck out of the Garrison to go drinking

 **Hunkyfloorit** : he couldn't decide which one he wanted to re-enact

 **Hunkyfloorit** : so he just made a mash-up 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : They called him the Virg DoucheBaggette

 

 **bestdad** : his voice is good

 **bestdad** : he can definitely dance 

 **bestdad** : and his acting skills are impressive too

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : BUT HOLY SHIT THIS IS PRICELESS

 

 **loverboy lance** : Hunk I officially declare you my rival 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : worth it :)

 

 **loverboy lance** : how COULD YOU 

 **loverboy lance** : I'm fucking done 

 

_loverboy lance left the chat_

_filthy motherfuscket added loverboy lance to the chat_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I thought Keith was your rival?

 

 **loverboy lance** : that was BEFORE Hunk betrayed me like this 

 **loverboy lance** : I thought you deleted the video!!!

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : holy shit boi you got moves but damn will this come back and haunt you when you have kids

 

 **loverboy lance** : hfnbcgfnhviuhnlamfc,lohml

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : where is Keith anyway?

 

 **bestdad** : he keeps replaying the video

 

_dat gayboi saved a video (1)_

 

 **bestdad** : oh wait, he's changing his ringtone 

 **bestdad** : and his screensaver

 **bestdad** : and Lance's contact photo

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I have raised him well :')

 

_dat gayboi sent an image (3)_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'M WHEEZING

 

_filthy motherfuscket saved an image (3)_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : these are the best screenshots I've seen in my entire life

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : HE LOOKS LIKE A  _B U R N T_  CHICKEN NUGGET

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : if laughter is the best medicine then that second screenshot should cure the world

 

 **bestdad** : Now, now, children stop being so mean to Lance...

 

_AlteanPrincess saved a video (1)_

_AlteanPrincess sent an image (1)_

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : I personally thought he looked like a little chest of treasure when he was singing hsm

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : honestly seeing him bend that far first hand was scarring

 **Hunkyfloorit** : It's like he doesn't have any bones

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : if he is treasure then I highly suggest we bury it

 

 **bestdad** : okay guys I think that's enough now

 **bestdad** : save the blackmail until it's necessary

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : blackmail is  a l w a y s  necessary :)

 

 **bestdad** : Pidge

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Dad

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : oho Lance, where you at?

 

 **loverboy lance** : I don't want to talk to you 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Come on, buddy

 **Hunkyfloorit** : it's not that bad

 

 **dat gayboi** : yes it is

 **dat gayboi** : suffer

 

 **bestdad** : Keith play nice

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** :  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** :  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **AlteanPrincess** :  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **bestdad** : you all need Jesus

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : lmao no

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : *Keith walks in* ahem, _y'all_ need Jesus

 

 **dat gayboi** : die

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'm a good child :)

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : psh good child my ass

 

_loverboy lance left the chat_

 

 **bestdad** : see, look what you did

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : LOOK WHAT JESUS DID LOOK WHAT JESUS DID

 

 **bestdad** : A L L U R A

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : no regrets

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : no regrets 

 

 **dat gayboi** : no regrets

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : no regrets

 

 **bestdad** : you all are going to apologise to him when he comes back 

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : wouldn't one of us have to add him back for that?

 

 **bestdad** : oh yeah, someone add him, I'm too lazy to make the effort

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : lol no

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : no can do, I'm baking apology cookies for him

 

 **dat gayboi** : I shouldn't even be considered as an option

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : fuck that shit I'm going back to braiding my hair

 

 **bestdad** : ...

 **bestdad** : what a lovely family we have

 

 

 

[4:00 pm]

 

_filthy motherfuscket > loverboy lance_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oi fuck nut are you really that mad about the video?

 

 **loverboy lance** : yes

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : will you ever forgive Hunk?

 

 **loverboy lance** : only if he gives me cookies

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you're so goddamn predictable 

 

 **loverboy lance** : but why? like he just ruINEd mY rEPuTATioN 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you never had much of one to begin with 

 

 **loverboy lance** : fuck you

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'll pass

 

 **loverboy lance** : gremlin

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : troll

 

 **loverboy lance** : jackass

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Virg DoucheBaggette

 

 **loverboy lance** : </3

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** :  :)


	11. gotta catch 'em all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dat gayboi: we are getting like 200 chicken nuggets
> 
> bestdad: no. we are not getting 200 chicken nuggets
> 
> loverboy lance: but we still get McDonald's?
> 
> bestdad: ...yes, you still get McDonald's

[6:45 pm]

 

_loverboy lance > dat gayboi_

 

 **loverboy lance** : are you as nervous as I am?

 

 **dat gayboi** : I'm counting the number of holes my wall has

 

 **loverboy lance** : you're going to hurt yourself throwing that knife one day 

 

 **dat gayboi** : I can count on you to heal my wounds though, right?

 

 **loverboy lance** : since when did you get so smooth?

 

 **dat gayboi** : I...didn't?

 **dat gayboi** : but yes, I'm nervous

 **dat gayboi** : wait, how did you know I throw my knife at my wall?

 

 **loverboy lance** : I've been sat outside your house for half an hour because I didn't want to be late

 **loverboy lance** : and I've been running it over in my head what I'm going to say to Shiro when he opens the door

 

 **dat gayboi** : Shiro isn't home, dumbass. He's sleeping at the Holt's tonight  

 **dat gayboi** : and you've been sat outside my house for half an hour watching me throw a knife at my wall and you didn't think to tell me?

 **dat gayboi** : That sounds awfully stalkerish, Lance

 

 **loverboy lance** : just get your ass out here, loser

 **loverboy lance** : we're going UFO spotting

 

 **dat gayboi** : is that a reference

 

 **loverboy lance** : don't judge if you know what it's from 

 

 **dat gayboi** : fine fine 

 **dat gayboi** : I'm coming 

 

 **loverboy lance** : babe, leave the knife behind

 

 **dat gayboi** : what knife?

 

 **loverboy lance** : I saw you tuck it in your boot, cowboy

 **loverboy lance** : put it back

 

 **dat gayboi** : stalker

 

 **loverboy lance** : good boy 

 

 **dat gayboi** : I hate you 

 

 **loverboy lance** : you won't be saying that later ;)

 

 **dat gayboi** : asdkuencbga

 

 

 

[8:27 pm]

 

_Shitterang > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **Shitterang** : holy shit what the fuck did I miss

 **Shitterang** : I always miss when we're roasting Lance

 **Shitterang** : now my line is useless :(

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : should have got here quicker

 

 **Shitterang** : bleh

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Guys I need help

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : did you lock yourself in the bathroom again?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : ha ha ha

 **Hunkyfloorit** : no

 

 **Shitterang** : ooo I did that once!!

 

 **bestdad** : no one cares Matt

 **bestdad** : what's wrong, Hunk?

 

 **Shitterang** : my heart </3

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I can't get hold of Lance, does anybody know where he is?

 

 **bestdad** : no, sorry

 

 **Shitterang** : haven't seen him all day 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : have you been round to his house?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : no

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'll head over

 

 **bestdad** : Pidge do  _not_ break his door

 

 **Shitterang** : rip Lance's door

 **Shitterang** : _again_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I've phoned him ten times and he's not answering

 

 **bestdad** : he's not answering for me

 

 **Shitterang** : nada

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : his car isn't here

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : oh no oh no no no

 

 **bestdad** : Hunk?

 **bestdad** : Hunk what's going on?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance...sometimes has issues. 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you can say that again

 

 **bestdad** : Pidge.

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : no I mean  _issues_

 **Hunkyfloorit** : the last time he ignored all my calls I spent five hours looking for him 

 

 **bestdad** : where was he?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I found him at the edge of a cliff

 

 **Shitterang** : shit

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : fuck

 

 **bestdad** : no..

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : guys I'm worried

 

 **bestdad** : we will help you look

 

 **Shitterang** : yeah, I can even get Rolo and his friends out looking 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : have you phoned his mum?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Lance doesn't want her to know. He didn't want any of you to know

 

 **bestdad** : why...what caused him to, you know?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Nyma

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh fuck

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : that's why he got so upset when you and Keith were making fun of him

 **Hunkyfloorit** : She did a lot of things to Lance that...messed with his head. If Lotor hadn't have talked some sense into him, idk what would have happened

 

 **bestdad** : wait,  _Lotor_?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : fuck I didn't know 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'm a horrible person, fuck

 **filthy motherfuscket** : guys we have to find him!

 

 **dat gayboi** : woah what's going on?

 **dat gayboi** : find who?

 

 **Shitterang** : Lance

 **Shitterang** : we think he's going to commit suicide 

 

 **dat gayboi** : woah what

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Keith, do you know where he is?

 

 **bestdad** : I'm sorry I left you alone tonight. I should have stayed with you...what do we do? oh god if he...he wouldn't, would he?

 

 **dat gayboi** : guys calm down, Lance is fine 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : how do you know though? you can't be sure, he isn't answering any of us

 

 **loverboy lance** : woah guys calm down I'm alright 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : LANCE

 

 **bestdad** : LANCE

 

 **Shitterang** : LANCE OMG I'LL CANCEL THE SEARCH PARTY

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Lance I am so sorry!!! I didn't mean anything I said about Nyma, I was a dick and I don't deserve forgiveness but holy shit Lance don't ever scare us like this again! Why didn't you just talk to us? We should have noticed sooner, I am so sorry Lance please don't ever kill yourself you are worth so much more than that. We love you so much you are the heart of our family Idk what I'd do without you. Please don't ever leave us, Lance. Please please don't ever feel like you're not enough

 

 **loverboy lance** : Pidge, calm down...

 **loverboy lance** : what the fuck is going on?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : you weren't answering your calls!!!

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I was worried!! I thought that maybe it would have been a repeat of last time

 

 **loverboy lance** : Look, I'm really sorry I made you worry...but I  _promise_ I'm fine. I just went for a walk and I left my phone in my car

 **loverboy lance** : I appreciate everyone's concern, but please, I'm  _okay_. Besides, I wouldn't want to deprive you all of the blessing that is me! ;)

 

 **bestdad** : I'm so glad you're safe Lance

 **bestdad** : If you ever need anyone to talk to 

 

 **loverboy lance** : can we not do this? please?

 **loverboy lance** : I'm over that stuff with Nyma. You guys made me realise life was worth living, made me feel like I belonged and I'd prefer not to talk about it. The past is the past

 

 **bestdad** : okay, yeah, sorry Lance

 

 **Shitterang** : Dude I swear I'm going to punch you when I next see you 

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'm so sorry Lance

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I just I was so worried

 

 **loverboy lance** : I love you

 **loverboy lance** :  _all_ of you

 **loverboy lance** : I'm not going  _anywhere_

 **loverboy lance** : I'm sorry about all of this but I promise I'm fine. Once I get home I swear I'm going to hug you all until you suffocate

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : I'm sorry Lance

 

 **loverboy lance** : Hunk, buddy, stop apologising

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : right, yeah, okay 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I love you too, Lance

 

 **loverboy lance** : I knew my little Pidgeon had feelings somewhere under all that salt <3

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : what can I say? you've all turned me soft

 

 **loverboy lance** : group hug

 **loverboy lance** : <3

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : <3

 

 **bestdad** : <3

 

 **Shitterang** : <3

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh hell no

 

 **Shitterang** : come on, Pidgeyyyyyy

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : no

 

 **loverboy lance** : :'(

 

 **Shitterang** : :'(

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : :'(

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : ....

 **filthy motherfuscket** : <3

 

 **loverboy lance** : :D our little family <3

 

 **Shitterang** : minus Keith and Allura and Shay and Coran and Slav and Dad and you know, the others

 

 **bestdad** : shush, let us have this moment

 **bestdad** : this is the nicest our family has been for a long time

 

 

 

[9:23 am]

 

_dat gayboi > loverboy lance_

 

 **dat gayboi** : I really enjoyed our date...thank you for taking me out

 

 **loverboy lance** : well, aside from not spotting any UFOs and the panic in the group chat, it was perfect

 

 **dat gayboi** : don't think about that too much, okay?

 **dat gayboi** : it wasn't your fault

 

 **loverboy lance** : I guess, I just...I'm sorry you found out about Nyma that way 

 

 **dat gayboi** : Lance, I wouldn't have cared if I never found out about Nyma if you didn't feel comfortable telling me

 **dat gayboi** : your past doesn't define you

 **dat gayboi** : and whatever she put into that pretty little head of yours is bullshit

 **dat gayboi** : you are literally perfect

 **dat gayboi** : I mean, you don't find a guy who takes you UFO spotting for your first date every day

 

 **loverboy lance** : aww you think I'm pretty? 

 **loverboy lance** : and that's because I'm a limited edition pokemon card

 **loverboy lance** : gotta catch 'em all

 

 **dat gayboi** : I don't want them all, I only want you 

 

 **loverboy lance** : afnieygmfwa,f

 **loverboy lance** : my heart

 **loverboy lance** : when DID YOU GET SO SMOOTH

 

 **dat gayboi** : I'm not sure, I'm usually really bad at communicating with others

 

 **loverboy lance** : you can say that again 

 **loverboy lance** : and hey, you didn't do  _too_ bad on our first proper kiss without it being a challenge ;)

 

 **dat gayboi** : without it being a challenge!?

 **dat gayboi** : Lance, you  _literally_ started moving away so I'd have to reach further to kiss you and even then you didn't let me 

 

 **loverboy lance** : yeah but the way you grabbed my collar and forced me to kiss you was totally worth it 

 

 **dat gayboi** : fucking tease

 

 **loverboy lance** : I didn't hear you complaining

 **loverboy lance** : In fact, you were too busy 

 

 **dat gayboi** : don't

 

 **loverboy lance** : moaning my name  ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **dat gayboi** : I wasn't moaning!! I warned you because you were teasing me!! I was just saying your name to get you to co-operate!!

 

 **loverboy lance** : whatever helps you sleep at night, cowboy 

 

 **dat gayboi** : I should've brought my knife

 

 **loverboy lance** : now now, there will be plenty of time for kinky role play in the future

 **loverboy lance** : at least let me make this official first

 

 **dat gayboi** : I hate you 

 

 **loverboy lance** : no you don't :)

 **loverboy lance** : so...

 **loverboy lance** : Keith Kogane, the most amazing, emo, broody, mullet wearing, angsty person in the entire world

 **loverboy lance** : I would be honoured if you would agree to be my boyfriend

 

 **dat gayboi** : yes I will be your boyfriend

 **dat gayboi** : but for the last time, I am NOT BROODY OR ANGSTY 

 **dat gayboi** : and for someone so against my 'Mullet', you seemed to enjoy running your fingers through it when we were making out

 **dat gayboi** : In fact, I'm pretty sure I remembered you pulling it as you whispered my name and called me hot

 **dat gayboi** : that doesn't sound like you hate it

 

 **loverboy lance** : okay no I prefer shy, awkward Keith

 **loverboy lance** : go back to being broody 

 

 **dat gayboi** : omfg you're so annoying 

 

 **loverboy lance** : and now you're stuck with me :)

 

 **dat gayboi** : *sighs* looks like it 

 

 **loverboy lance** : <3

 

 **dat gayboi** : ...

 **dat gayboi** : <3

 

 

(a few weeks later)

 

 

[2:00 pm]

 

_bestdad > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **bestdad** : me and Keith have been talking

 **bestdad** : and we decided to have a movie night

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : omg it's been so long, I'm in

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : yeahhhhh I'm in too!!

 

 **loverboy lance** : oho do we get McDonald's again??

 

 **dat gayboi** : I already bribed him

 **dat gayboi** : we are getting like 200 chicken nuggets

 

 **bestdad** : no. we are not getting 200 chicken nuggets

 

 **loverboy lance** : but we still get McDonald's?

 

 **bestdad** : ...yes, you still get McDonald's

 

 **loverboy lance** : woo hoo!! I'll be over in ten!!!

 

 **Shitterang** : SHIRO BABY THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU 

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : Shay and I are gonna pass on this one

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : you're with Shay?

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : we're having a little bonding time

 **AlteanPrincess** : she says hi :)

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : THE WORD

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : THE WORD

 

 **bestdad** : A L L U R A

 

 **Shitterang** : GUYS HURRY UP I WANT AN ICED MOCHA

 

 **loverboy lance** : ew tf Matt

 

 **dat gayboi** : patienceyeildsfocuspatienceyeildsfocus

 

 **bestdad** : that's my line!!

 

 **dat gayboi** : do you want me to punch another kid?

 

 **bestdad** : you'll go back in timeout mister

 

 **dat gayboi** : I'm turning 19 soon!!

 

 **bestdad** : I don't care!! You're still my responsibility 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WHERE'S MY MCDONALD'S

 

 **Shitterang** : SHIROOOOO

 

 **bestdad** : geez, calm down, I'm on my way

 

 **loverboy lance** : hi yes, I was promised chicken nuggets and a movie night?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : You could have picked me up!!!

 

 **loverboy lance** : Whoops?

 

 **bestdad** : I got you, Hunk

 **bestdad** : Keith, Lance send your orders

 

 **loverboy lance** : Hunk knows my usual

 

 **dat gayboi** : Shiro we discussed what I wanted

 **dat gayboi** : now stop texting and driving

 **dat gayboi** : I'll leave the door unlocked

 

 

 

[9:24 pm]

 

_loverboy lance > dat gayboi_

 

 **loverboy lance** : you look really fucking hot rn

 

 **dat gayboi** : keep it in your pants, Lance

 

 **loverboy lance** : do you think they'd notice if we just...casually made out?

 

 **dat gayboi** : no, of course not

 

 **loverboy lance** : wait really!?

 

 **dat gayboi** : gdi Lance, of  _course_ they would!

 

 **loverboy lance** : aww :(

 **loverboy lance** : fancy coming with me to make more popcorn?

 

 **dat gayboi** : is this an excuse to make out with me in the kitchen?

 

 **loverboy lance** : why don't you come and find out? 

 

 **dat gayboi** : ...if we get caught, you're the one explaining

 

 

 

[12:03 am]

 

_bestdad > dat gayboi_

 

 **bestdad** : so...

 

 **dat gayboi** : so?

 

 **bestdad** : what's it like finally being Lance's boyfriend?

 

 **dat gayboi** : I don't know what you're talking about 

 

 **bestdad** : I can see you across the room

 **bestdad** : that is one amazing blush you have 

 **bestdad** : I didn't even know that was possible

 

 **dat gayboi** : ...

 **dat gayboi** : he's literally lying with his head in my lap and I can feel his breath on my stomach...what am I supposed to do?

 

 **bestdad** : you could have easily moved over to give him more space

 

 **dat gayboi** : leave me alone

 

 **bestdad** : I've noticed...you're not as flustered around him as you usually are

 **bestdad** : you're smiling a lot more

 **bestdad** : you're both talking to each other again

 **bestdad** : you were running your fingers through his hair as he smiled up at you when you were talking earlier

 **bestdad** : and don't think I didn't see you both whilst you were 'making popcorn'

 **bestdad** : I can't believe you didn't even tell me

 **bestdad** : I'm wounded

 

 **dat gayboi** : ...no

 

 **bestdad** : so, how long have you been together?

 

 **dat gayboi** : no

 

 **bestdad** : I bet Lance was the one to confess first, wasn't he?

 

 **dat gayboi** : omg shut up 

 

 **bestdad** : so that's a yes

 

 **dat gayboi** : you are the w o r s t

 

 **bestdad** : congratulations, Kit-kat

 **bestdad** : I'm happy for you :)

 

 **dat gayboi** : ...thank you 

 

 **bestdad** : AHA SO IT IS TRUE

 

 **dat gayboi** : gdi

 **dat gayboi** : I fucking hate you sometimes

 

 **bestdad** :  _Language_

 **bestdad** : STOP FLIPPING ME OFF UNLESS YOU WANNA GO IN TIME OUT

 

 **dat gayboi** : <3 love you Shiro

 

 **bestdad** : *rolls eyes*


	12. she's getting yeeted across the street when she gets home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jilchiana: *screams in spanish* I'M NOT GAY I'M BISEXUAL
> 
> loverboy Lance: I will fucking end you
> 
> jilchiana: don't fuck with me  
> jilchiana: I have the power of god AND anime on MY side   
> jilchiana: AHHHH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much happens in this. It's such a fucking mess. I love it :)
> 
> Also, the layout won't go right .~_~.

[5:12 pm]

 

_dat gayboi >  Snowflake Squad _

 

 **dat gayboi** : I'm just gonna come out and say it 

 **dat gayboi** : because I know we've all been thinking it 

 **dat gayboi** : but shiro's name sounds like bastard

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : every time I see his username I read bastard

 

 **loverboy Lance** : omfg i thought I was the only one

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : definitely not the only one

 

 **Shitterang:** BASTARD

 

_Shitterang changed bestdad's name to BASTARD_

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : wait his name didn't say bastard?

 

 **loverboy Lance** : isn't Shiro technically a bastard?

 

 **dat gayboi** : yeah, his parents got married whilst she was pregnant with him

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : ooo sinful

 

 **Shitterang** :  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **loverboy Lance** : bastard bestdad   
 **loverboy Lance** : though who wants to wait until marriage?  
 **loverboy Lance** : have a bit of fun before you get tied down for life ya know?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : lance we  _talked_ about this

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you're a sinner anyway  
 **filthy motherfuscket** : Jesus hates you   
 **filthy motherfuscket** : go to hell  
 **filthy motherfuscket** : Gay fuck

 

 **loverboy Lance** : I'm  _B I S E X U A L_  
 **loverboy Lance** : Keith is the gay one   
 **loverboy Lance** : take him instead

 

 **dat gayboi** : rUDE

 

 **Shitterang** : he only speaks the truth   
 **Shitterang** : the broganes are the leaders of gay culture

 

 **dat gayboi** : broGAYnes*

 

 **loverboy Lance** : BROGAYNES

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : just a thought, Matt are you taking Shirogane or is Shiro taking holt?

 

 **BASTARD** : he's taking Shirogane

 

 **Shitterang** : Shiro baby!!!

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Matthew Kyler Shirogane

 

 **loverboy Lance** : K Y L E R

 

 **BASTARD** : HIS MIDDLE NAME IS KYLER!?

 

 **Shitterang** : exPOSED

 

 **dat gayboi** : you do realise they exposed you?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : how the hell did you  _not know_

 

 **BASTARD** : he told me his middle name was jilchiana!!!!

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : AND YOU BELIEVED HIM!?

 

 **loverboy Lance** : omfg

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : oh dear...

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK TAKASHI   
 **AlteanPrincess** : how fucking dense are you

 

 **BASTARD** : I now realise my naivety...

 

 **Shitterang** : I still laugh when he's mad and says 'jilchiana'

 

 **BASTARD** : THATS why you laugh!?

 

 **Shitterang** : duh

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : this is amazing omfg

 

 **dat gayboi** : I must admit even I laughed when he first called him jilchiana

 

_Shitterang changed their name to jilchiana_

 

 **BASTARD** : I hate you

 

 **jilchiana** : love you too sweetie pie ° ͜ʖ ͡ – ✧

 

 **loverboy Lance** : ugh couples

 

 **jilchiana** : you're just jealous cause you can't bone Keith

 

 **loverboy Lance** : not everything is about me wanting to bone Keith!

 

 **jilchiana** : so you're saying you DO want to bone Keith?

 

 **dat gayboi** : I AM _RIGHT_   _HERE_

 

 **jilchiana** : yeah we know sweetie, you're doing great <3  
 **jilchiana** : now answer the question lance

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : guys we have a problem

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : how many problems do you _have_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : um a lot?  
 **Hunkyfloorit** : but if Matt is taking Shirogane who's gonna carry on the holt family??

 

 **loverboy Lance** : he wouldn't have been able to anyway he's gay

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : ADOPTION LANCE ADOPTION

 

 **jilchiana** : *screams in spanish* I'M NOT GAY I'M BISEXUAL

 

 **loverboy Lance** : I will fucking end you

 

 **jilchiana** : don't fuck with me  
 **jilchiana** : I have the power of god AND anime on MY side   
 **jilchiana** : AHHHH

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : we have extended family. It's not just us like it is for the Shiroganes

 

 **loverboy Lance** : I guess you could say that when Shiro dies their family will be   
 **loverboy Lance** : wait for it

 

 **dat gayboi** : dary

 

 **loverboy Lance** : NO YOU FUCKTARD you RUINED it

 

 **dat gayboi** : HOW!? That was CLEARLY a Barney Stinson moment!

 

 **loverboy Lance** : WTF NO IT WASN'T

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : ffs lance just say it

 

 **loverboy Lance** : fINE  
 **loverboy Lance** : they would be...  
 **loverboy Lance** : Shiro _GONE_

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : ...

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : ...

 

 **dat gayboi** : ...

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : ...

 

 **BASTARD** : ...

 

 **jilchiana** : ...  
 **jilchiana** : i  _LOVE_  it

 

 _jilchiana changed BASTARD's name to_ Shiro _GONE_

 

 **Shiro _GONE_** : will you stop changing my name!?

 

 **dat gayboi** : would you have preferred bastard?

 

 **loverboy Lance** : hair floof?

 

 **Shiro _GONE_** : stop

 

 **jilchiana** : Arnold Shironegger???

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Kuro?

 

 **Shiro _GONE_** : s t o p

 

 **dat gayboi** : tictac?

 

 **loverboy Lance** : onfg TICTAC

 

 **jilchiana** : TicTac! that is adorable omggg

 

 _jilchiana changed_ Shiro _GONE's name to TicTac_

 

 **TicTac** : ARGHKKDEDAG

 

 **loverboy Lance** : omfg he dead

 

 **jilchiana** : baby come back

 

 **dat gayboi** : WAKE ME UP INSIDE

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : KEITH  _N O_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Shiro is so done right now

 

 _filthy motherfuscket changed TicTac's name to_ Shiro _DONE_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : that is not what I meant pidge!!!

 

 **jilchiana** : NO  
 **jilchiana** : KEEP HIM TICTAC

 

 _jilchiana changed_ Shiro _DONE's name to TicTac_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : why TicTac tho?

 

 **dat gayboi** : two reasons   
 **dat gayboi** : 1) TicT(ac)ashi   
 **dat gayboi** : 2) he choked on a TicTac he shoved in his mouth so he could kiss Matt without having bad breath on their first date

 

 **TicTac** : KEITH

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : exPOSED

 

 **loverboy Lance** : no fucking way!!

 

 **jilchiana** : omfg that's why you ran off!?!?

 

 **dat gayboi** : he phoned me and asked me to pick him up because he was too afraid to face you

 

 **TicTac** : K E I T H

 

 **loverboy Lance** : IM D Y I N G

 

 **jilchiana** : YOU LEFT ME  _FOR TWO HOURS_  IN THE MIDDLE OF A FANCY RESTAURANT  
 **jilchiana** : I HAD TO  _PAY_ WITH MONEY I  _DIDN'T HAVE_  
 **jilchiana** : BECAUSE YOU CHOKED  
 **jilchiana** : ON A FUCKING  _TIC TAC!?!?_

 

 **TicTac** : ...I love you?

 

 **jilchiana** : ASDKHGJLBXEID

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : this is by far the best chat we've had omfg

 

 **dat gayboi** : oho I love exposing people

 

 **TicTac** : get on the fridge

 

 **dat gayboi** : can't make me

 

 **TicTac** : fINE   
 **TicTac** : then I expose you

 

 **dat gayboi** : aha try me I have nothing to hide

 

 **TicTac** : are you sure about that?

 

 **dat gayboi** : positive

 

_TicTac changed dat gayboi's name to KitKat_

 

 **TicTac** : Hey guys   
 **TicTac** : have I ever told you the reason behind the nickname KitKat?

 

 **KitKat** : N O   
 **KitKat** : DONT YOU FUCKING DARE

 

 **TicTac** : oh I do dare

 

 **KitKat** : SHIRO DONT DO THIS

 

 **loverboy Lance** : TicTac and KitKat omfg I'm~ifcm

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : HMU WI THAT BLACKMAIL MATERIAL

 

 **jilchiana** : GIVE US JUICY DETAILS

 

 **KitKat** : SHIRO PLEASE  
 **KitKat** : I TAKE IT BACK  
 **KitKat** : PLEASE  
 **KitKat** : I'll come home and go on the fridge   
 **KitKat** : I'll do the washing for a year   
 **KitKat** : I'll do anything   
 **KitKat** : please

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : OMG THIS HAS TO BE GOOD  
 **filthy motherfuscket** : SHIRO SPILL

 

 **jilchiana** : SHIROOOOO

 

 **KitKat** : please Shiro

 

 **loverboy Lance** : what's so bad about it??   
 **loverboy Lance** : I mean we all have some pretty embarrassing stories

 

 **KitKat** : no I just   
 **KitKat** : I don't want anyone to know   
 **KitKat** : please Shiro don't do this

 

 **jilchiana** : where the fuck did he go??

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : SHIRO WHERE'S MY BLACKMAIL MATERIAL

 

 **TicTac** : sorry guys   
 **TicTac** : brothers stick together

 

 **KitKat** : oh thank god  
 **KitKat** : thank you   
 **KitKat** : thank you thank you  _thank you_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WHA NO

 

 **jilchiana** : babe please. For me?

 

 **TicTac** : Keith comes first   
 **TicTac** : he always will

 

 **loverboy Lance** : first the names now this ( ͡ಥʖ̯ಥ;)╯

 **loverboy Lance** : what a true bromance

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : brogaymance

 

 **jilchiana** : omfg I wanna join

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you will once you take his name

 

 **jilchiana** : OH YEAH Shiro let's get married

 

 **TicTac** : woah woah slow down there sunshine

 

 **jilchiana** : wtf  
 **jilchiana** : did you just call me sunshine?

 

 **TicTac** : no

 

 **jilchiana** : you totally did!!!  
 **jilchiana** : omfg you called me SUNSHINE  
 **jilchiana** : I bright up your day!!  
 **jilchiana** : I'm the light of your life bringing you out of the dark!!  
 **jilchiana** : I'm fucking hot as  _fuck_

 

 **TicTac** : I'm going  
 **TicTac** : ...  
 **TicTac** : going  
 **TicTac** : ...  
 **TicTac** : gone

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : Shiro _GONE_ ™

 

 

 

[6:46 pm]

 

_filthy motherfuscket > KitKat_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WE HAVE NEW EVIDENCE

 

 **KitKat** : HOLY FUCK  
 **KitKat** : NO FUCKING WAY

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : YES FUCKING WAY  
 **filthy motherfuscket** : WE CAUGHT IT ON CAMERA  
 **filthy motherfuscket** :  _K E I T H_  
 **filthy motherfuscket** :  _WE CAUGHT IT ON CAMERA_

 

 **KitKat** : IM OMW   
 **KitKat** : BRINGING OPERATION X EQUIPMENT

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'LL MEET YOU 25 WEST AV

 

 

 

[6:47 pm]

 

_Hunkyfloorit > loverboy Lance_

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : hey buddy

 

 **loverboy Lance** : hey hunk what's up?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : just checking in with you

 

 **loverboy Lance** : I'm good I'm good 

 **loverboy Lance** : what do you want?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : nothing!! just wanted to see how you were!! :)

 

 **loverboy Lance** : okay...how are you?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : confused

 

 **loverboy Lance** : if it's homework don't ask me

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : oh no no homework is fine

 **Hunkyfloorit** : what I'm confused about is

 **Hunkyfloorit** : you and Keith

 

 **loverboy Lance** : I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON YOU WERE MESSAGING ME

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : CAN I NOT JUST MESSAGE MY BEST FRIEND WITHOUT HAVING A REASON!?

 

 **loverboy Lance** : NO!!

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : shit you rite  
 **Hunkyfloorit** : anyway, how are things?  
 **Hunkyfloorit** : You haven't been stabbed yet so that's a good thing

 

 **loverboy Lance** : it's only been a month  
 **loverboy Lance** : there's still time

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : if he stabs you he'll be dealing with a very angry hunk

 

 **loverboy Lance** : will he not like you when you're angry?

 

 **Hunkyfloorit** : he will not like me when I'm angry

 

_loverboy Lance changed Hunkyfloorit's name to IncredibleHu(n)k_

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : we both have equal extensive knowledge of knives   
 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : he will regret his actions

 

 **loverboy Lance** : awww I love you tooo

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : forever and always <3

 

 **loverboy Lance** : omfg I'm crying  
 **loverboy Lance** : you are a literal angel   
 **loverboy Lance** : my skin is clear  
 **loverboy Lance** : my crops are flourishing   
 **loverboy Lance** : my otp is canon

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : okay okay stop stop  
 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : so how are things?

 

 **loverboy Lance** : they're good  
 **loverboy Lance** : we're being mature about it

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : you're not lying are you?

 

 **loverboy Lance** : no no I'm not

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : if he's saying anything to you...

 

 **loverboy Lance** : hunk no. He's not like Nyma   
 **loverboy Lance** : I promise   
 **loverboy Lance** : everything's fine

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : okay buddy I just worry   
 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I care for you

 

 **loverboy Lance** : careful man, shay will get jealous

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : omfg shut up

 

 **loverboy Lance** : make me ;)

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : careful man, Keith will get jealous

 

 **loverboy Lance** : -.-

 

 

 

[7:00 pm]

 

_TicTac > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **TicTac** : okay so   
 **TicTac** : the funniest thing just happened   
 **TicTac** : but I'm also slightly concerned

 

 **loverboy Lance** : I have a feeling you're about to elaborate???

 

 **TicTac** : well I just got home from the shop and I found Keith...  
 **TicTac** : screaming  
 **TicTac** : running into the furniture and walls  
 **TicTac** : shoving random stuff into multiple bags...  
 **TicTac** : then he stopped screaming to grab an apple  
 **TicTac** : nodded at me, grabbed his bags, ran out of the house screaming and rode off into the distance  
 **TicTac** : I can still hear his screams

 

 **loverboy Lance** : omfg what

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : is he...okay?

 

 **jilchiana** : omfg Katie just did the EXACT SAME THING

 

 **loverboy Lance** : I want whatever they're taking

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : lance we  _talked_ about this

 

 **loverboy Lance** : WE TALK ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS  _SHUSH_

 

 **TicTac** : should we follow them?

 

 **jilchiana** : nah  
 **jilchiana** : it's cryptid stuff   
 **jilchiana** : they found new evidence

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : wait REALLY!?

 

 **loverboy Lance** : I bet it's a squirrel or something   
 **loverboy Lance** : and they're going out   
 **loverboy Lance** : gonna stay in the cold for hours  
 **loverboy Lance** : to see a squirrel

 

 **TicTac** : you never know, they might find something

 

 **loverboy Lance** : yeah, a squirrel

 

 **jilchiana** : pidge was pretty hyped   
 **jilchiana** : I think it's serious this time guys

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : should we follow them? In case they get chased by a chewcacabra or something

 

 **loverboy Lance** : chewcacabra  
 **loverboy Lance** : omfg

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : Leave me alone lance ._.

 

 **TicTac** : leave them to have their fun  
 **TicTac** : They'll let us know if they need anything

 

 **jilchiana** : It's a good job it's a Wednesday and I'm not at work   
 **jilchiana** : I wouldn't have had the opportunity to root through Pidge's room to find my limited edition Dragon Ball Z figurine collection ヽ༼ຈ ل ຈ༽ﾉ

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : what the fuck is that face

 **AlteanPrincess** : I swear they get worse every time you use them

 

 **loverboy Lance** : nerd

 

 **jilchiana** : don't hate on the faces Allura

 

 **TicTac** : Matt it's Saturday

 

 **jilchiana** : and?

 

 **TicTac** : you HAVE WORK

 

 **jilchiana** : nope

 

 **TicTac** : Matthew

 

 **loverboy Lance** : Jilchiana

 

 **jilchiana** : ShiroGONE

 

 **TicTac** : ...

 

_TicTac left the chat_

 

 **loverboy Lance** : and he lives up to his name

 

 **jilchiana** : :')

 

 

 

[9:03 pm]

 

_jilchiana > TicTac_

**jilchiana** : babe

 

 **TicTac** : you okay?

 

 **jilchiana** : yeah  
 **jilchiana** : no  
 **jilchiana** : idk

 

 **TicTac** : what's wrong?

 

 **jilchiana** : have you heard from Keith?  
 **jilchiana** : I can't get hold of Katie

 

 **TicTac** : he messaged me an hour ago saying they were going to stay out for a couple more hours

 

 **jilchiana** : right but I can't REACH her 

 **jilchiana** : it goes straight to voicemail

 

 **TicTac** : I'll phone Keith

 

 **jilchiana** : thank you

 

 **TicTac** : hey don't worry too much  
 **TicTac** : they're more than capable of looking out for themselves

 

 **jilchiana** : I can't help it  
 **jilchiana** : protective brother and all

 

 **TicTac** : and that's one of the many reasons I fell in love with you

 

 **jilchiana** : you're so fucking good to me I could cry   
 **jilchiana** : how the hell you put up with me I have no idea  
 **jilchiana** : but I am so lucky   
 **jilchiana** : I love you so much

 

 **TicTac** : I love you most  
 **TicTac** : They're fine  
 **TicTac** : her phone is dead  
 **TicTac** : she didn't realise cause they were studying something

 

 **jilchiana** : oh thank god  
 **jilchiana** : she's getting yeeted across the street when she gets home

 

 **TicTac** : Matt no

 

 **jilchiana** : Matt yes

 

 **TicTac** : come over

 

 **jilchiana** : I can't, I need to find this collection still

 

 **TicTac** : but Keith isn't home  
 **TicTac** : and neither is pidge

 **TicTac** : and I'm alone

 **TicTac** : I have  _needs_

 

 **jilchiana** : ...  
 **jilchiana** : I'm on my way


	13. NoBoDy AsKeD fOr yOuR oPiNIoN BrOOdY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TicTac: too much is happening in this chat
> 
> TicTac: I'm lost
> 
> TicTac: I have no idea what's happening anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I agree with Shiro.
> 
> Wow I don't update for like three weeks and then throw this shit tip on you
> 
> Good luck reading this
> 
> I'm currently running on nothing but caffeine after three days of being awake woooo!! 
> 
> *instantly regrets drinking so much coffee and combusts dramatically in the corner*

[3:18 pm]

 

_jilchiana added TicTac, KitKat and loverboy lance to Brogayne Sexual_

 

 **KitKat** : what is this?

 

 **jilchiana** : WeLcOmE tO HeLl

 

_TicTac left the chat._

_jilchiana added TicTac to the chat_

 

 **jilchiana** : ThErE iS nO eScApInG

 

 **TicTac** : Matt why

 

 **jilchiana** : Okay so

 **jilchiana** : I figured we needed a chat to appreciate the brogaynes

 

 **loverboy lance** : why am I here?

 

 **jilchiana** : we all know you wanna bone Keith

 

 **loverboy lance** : fuck off

 

 **jilchiana** : whoa there

 **jilchiana** : strong words from a child

 

 **loverboy lance** : You're an asshole

 

 **jilchiana** : You sure seemed to like my asshole last week

 

 **KitKat** : that's gay.

 

 **TicTac** : Keith,  _you're_ gay.

 

 **KitKat** : I am as straight as a ruler

 

 **jilchiana** : a bendy ruler

 

 **KitKat** : exCUSE YOU I AM A CHILD OF THE LORD

 

 **loverboy lance** : sure you are buddy

 

 **KitKat** : ...

 **KitKat** : did you just seriously 'buddy' me?

 

 **loverboy lance:**  duh ~

 **loverboy lance:**  you're my best buddy buddy bud bud budi

 **loverboy lance** : ...bud

 

 **KitKat** : what drugs did you take?

 

 **loverboy lance** : literally ALL OF THEM!

 

 **KitKat** : how are you even alive!?

 

 **loverboy lance** : SCREECHING SHFEUNM 

 

 **jilchiana** : no fucKING WAY

 

 **TicTac** : what?

 

 **KitKat** : what?

 

 **jilchiana** : Lance HOW DID YOU DO IT!?

 

 **loverboy lance** : I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA

 **loverboy lance** : BUT I'M DYING 

 

 **KitKat** : what!?

 

 **jilchiana** : you unintentionally quoted a meme with him 

 

 **TicTac** : oh no...

 

 **loverboy lance** : agsjdgbicnwem can he get any more perfect?

 

 **KitKat** : ...shut up

 

 **loverboy lance** : why don't you make me? ;)

 

 **KitKat** : I will break up with you

 

 **loverboy lance** : baby no!

 

 **jilchiana** : I KNEW IT OMFG

 

 **loverboy lance** : whoops

 

 **TicTac** : Matt, don't get too excited

 

 **KitKat** : we've been dating for a month and a half now

 

 **jilchiana** : W H A T

 **jilchiana** : WHY WASN'T I INFORMED

 **jilchiana** : L A N CE

 

 **loverboy lance** : sorry, too busy dying

 **loverboy lance** : my boyfriend is literally perfect

 **loverboy lance** : Keith memed

 **loverboy lance** : my life is complete

 

 **KitKat** : I hate you

 

 **loverboy lance** : no you don't ~ <3

 **loverboy lance** : hey, Keith...

 

 **KitKat** : ..yeah?

 

 **loverboy lance** : talk meme to me  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **KitKat** : what no that's fucking weird

 

 **jilchiana** : kiNK SHAMED

 

 **TicTac** : STOPPING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW

 

 **jilchiana** : you're no fun :(

 

 

 

[2:47 am]

 

_loverboy lance > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **loverboy lance** : Is there anyone here

 **loverboy lance** : I know it's like 2 am but

 **loverboy lance** : guys

 **loverboy lance** : guysguysguysguys

 **loverboy lance** : GUUUUUUYS

 **loverboy lance** : OI FUCK NUTS

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Your dumb notifications woke me up what the fuck do you want

 

 **loverboy lance** : ooh yay you can talk to me

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : There is school in literally 6 hours I'm going to bed

 

 **loverboy lance** : Poidge noooooo

 

 **jilchiana** : _P O I D G E_

 

 **loverboy lance** : Where did u come from

 

 **jilchiana** : The depths of hell.

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : There you have Matt to talk to. Can I go to bed now??

 

 **loverboy lance:** no

 

 **KitKat:**  forever trapped by the McClain curse

 

 **jilchiana** : everybody is crawling out of the dark crevasses of hell.

 

 **KitKat** : no i was watching the x-files

 

 **jilchiana** : Nerd.

 

 **KitKat** : you literally own all the Star Wars movies and a fucking shelf of Star Wars toys so don't talk to me

 

 **jilchiana** : They aren't toys

 **jilchiana** : They are figures.

 **jilchiana** :  _F I G U R E S_

 

 **KitKat** : I think you're covering up the fact that you still play dress up with dolls by trying to sound like you do something productive and expensive

 

 **jilchiana** : NoBoDy AsKeD fOr yOuR oPiNIoN BrOOdY

 

 **loverboy lance:** GUYS WE ARE PAYING ATTENTION TO  _M E_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : things are getting pretty heated

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I like it 

 

 **loverboy lance** : did any of you do Haggar's homework?

 

 **KitKat** : wait

 **KitKat** : you waited until 2 in the fucking morning to do your homework?

 **KitKat** : even _I'm_ not that bad

 

 **loverboy lance** : just answer my question

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I did it

 

 **loverboy lance** : ANSWERS PLEASE

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : no

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : as much as I love you, you need to learn to be responsible

 

 **jilchiana** : o:

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Savage.

 

 **KitKat** : ...I'm going to bed

 

 **TicTac** : CAN YOU GUYS SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **TicTac** : AND GO TO BED

 

 **jilchiana** : okay daddy

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : watch your language, mister

 

 **loverboy lance** : Matt I am kink shaming u

 

 **jilchiana** : ha joke's on you

 **jilchiana** : kink shaming  _is_  my kink

 

 **TicTac** : Seriously, go to sleep.

 

 **loverboy lance** : k fine

 **loverboy lance** : I'll just get killed by Haggar later

 **loverboy lance** : I send you all my best regards

 **loverboy lance** : it's not been nice knowing you

 

 

 

[3:51 am]

 

_loverboy lance > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **loverboy lance** : Are you sure no one will give me the answers?

 

 **TicTac** :  _Lance_

 

 **loverboy lance** : FINE FINE

 **loverboy lance** : GOODNIGHT

 

 

 

[7:00 pm]

 

_TicTac > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **TicTac** : All of you can go fuck yourselves

 **TicTac** : I hate all of u

 

 **loverboy lance** : well hello to you too

 

 **TicTac** : I'm disowning all of you

 

 **KitKat** : Matt is that you

 

 **TicTac** : ....

 **TicTac** : maybe

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you are so obvious that even Kieth noticed

 

 **KitKat** : Why do you have Shiro's phone? What did you do to him?

 

 **TicTac** : he's making dinner

 **TicTac** : last time i tried i almost exploded the microwave

 

 **loverboy lance** : how the fuck did you manage that

 

 **TicTac** : let me quote

 **TicTac** : 'I need a place to stay I kinda blew up my kitchen'

 

 **loverboy lance** : ...I take that back

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you are both fucking idiots

 

 **TicTac** : Katie, language

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : fuck off Matt

 

 **TicTac** : oh come on that was totally believable

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : we _literally_ know you're on his phone _right now!!!?_

 

 **TicTac** : oh yeah...

 

...

 

 **KitKat** : wait, Pidge HEY

 **KitKat** : I'm not that dense!

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : considering it took you ten minutes to realise what I said...

 **filthy motherfuscket** : yes, yes you are

 

...

 

 **TicTac** : ShIRo Is SiNgInG aNd MaKiNg FoOd ThIs Is AmAzInG

 

_TicTac sent a video (1)_

 

 **loverboy lance** : you two are so married

 

 **KitKat** : Is...is that  _my_  CD!?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : SHIRO IS A BROODY 6-YEAR-OLD TEEN STUCK INSIDE AN ADULT BODY CONFIRMED

 

 **loverboy lance** : idk...he could be a clone

 **loverboy lance** : I can't imagine Shiro ever dancing and singing to bloody AFI

 **loverboy lance** : even with evidence

 

 **KitKat:** how did you know it was AFI?

 

 **loverboy lance** : gtg, mom's calling

 

 **KitKat** : wait...

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh dear god, no

 **filthy motherfuscket** : please no

 

 **TicTac** : LANCE WENT THROUGH THE PHASE

 

 **KitKat** : what phase?

 

 **TicTac** : your life

 

 **KitKat** : oh

 

...

 

_TicTac sent a video (1)_

 

 **TicTac** : he FUCKING SLUT DROPPED

 **TicTac** : I AM NOT OKAY

 

 **loverboy lance** : you promise?

 

 **KitKat** : exPLAIN

 

 **loverboy lance** : Mama's calling me again

 **loverboy lance** : bye

 

 **KitKat** : LANCE 

 

 

 

[10:20 pm]

 

_TicTac > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **TicTac** : MATTHEW

 

 **jilchiana** : JILCHIANA

 

 **loverboy lance** : ShiroGONE

 

_TicTac left the chat_

 

 **jilchiana** : NO BABY COME BACK

 

 

 

[11:35 am]

 

_loverboy lance > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **loverboy lance** : KEITH JUST PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE

 

 **KitKat** : no I didn't

 

_loverboy lance sent a photo (1)_

 

 **loverboy lance** : EXPLAIN THIS

 

 **KitKat** : wow how did that happen?

 

 **loverboy lance** : YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE

 

 **TicTac** : Keith why did you hit lance?

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : oh my god Lance are you okay!?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : nice hit

 

 **TicTac** : Katie no

 

 **KitKat** : I DIDN'T MEAN TO

 **KitKat** : YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ATTACKED ME FIRST

 

 **loverboy lance** : I TRIED TO _KISS YOU_

 **loverboy lance** : BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT BOYFRIENDS DO KEITH

 **loverboy lance** : THEY KISS EACH OTHER

 **loverboy lance:**  NOT PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE

 

 **KitKat** : I dIdnT mEaN tO

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : woah woah owah HOLD UP

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : YOU'RE DATING!?

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : LANCE!?

 

 **loverboy lance** : ... um

 

 **TicTac** : Keith, you're not supposed to hit your boyfriend

 

 **KitKat** : I didn't mean to!! I apologised!!

 

 **jilchiana** : Wow Keith, cause that makes everything better

 

 **KitKat** : I'm tending to his nose as we speak so shut up

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WHY DIDN'T WE GET TOLD

 **filthy motherfuscket** : HOW

 

 **loverboy lance** : ah, long story

 

 **KitKat** : Lance challenged me to kiss him so I did and then he asked me out a few days later

 

 **loverboy lance** : ...I guess not

 **loverboy lance** : way to make it sound ROMANTIC KEEF

 

 **KitKat** : This literally started because we were arguing!! How is that romantic!?

 

 **loverboy lance** : arguing is our thiiing ;)

 **loverboy lance** : you know, love/hate relationship

 

 **jilchiana** : it does lead to good sex

 

 **loverboy lance** : see! ROMANTIC

 

 **KitKat** : I'm going to break up with you

 

 **loverboy lance** : babe no

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : why didn't you tell me LANCE!?

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I ASKED YOU THE OTHER DAY

 

 **loverboy lance** : sorry buddy...I didn't want to tell anyone until Keith was comfortable

 

 **KitKat** : and you've done a great job at that! 

 

 **loverboy lance** : Keith please

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : wait that means you've been dating for...

 **filthy motherfuscket** : 2 months? 2 and a half?

 

 **KitKat** : 2 months and 20 days

 

 **loverboy lance** : awww he's counting how cute is that

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : aww I'm happy for you man

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I must admit, I was getting tired of the one-way conversations you had with me about your love for Keith for the past 3 years

 

 **loverboy lance** : H U N K

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : whoops :)

 

 **KitKat** : 3 years???

 

 **loverboy lance** : no shut up

 **loverboy lance** : go back to being broody 

 

 **TicTac** : Lance stop being mean to your boyfriend 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : wait why aren't you surprised by this?

 **filthy motherfuscket** : YOU LIL BITCH

 **filthy motherfuscket** : YOU KNEW DIDN'T YOU

 

 **TicTac** : watch your language misses

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh sorry, what I meant to say was

 **filthy motherfuscket** : YOU LITTLE* BITCH

 

 **TicTac** : I do not appreciate your tone mister

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I do not appreciate your face mister

 

 **jilchiana** : master*

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : where the fuck did you come from?

 

 **jilchiana** : well you see, 

 **jilchiana** : when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much~

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'm fucking done 

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)** **k** : are you...

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : ShiroDONE?

 

 **TicTac** : Hunk not you too!

 **TicTac** : my favourite child, please

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : favourite?

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : man you hardly ever talk to me

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : HUNK IS SAVAGE LATELY WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED

 

 **loverboy lance** : omfg buddy 

 

 **jilchiana** : holy shit Shiro you're a terrible dad

 

 **KitKat** : we need more Hunk appreciation

 

 **TicTac** : ...I am so sorry Hunk

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : it's okay. I have two moms. I don't need a dad.

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Hunk...are you okay?

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : never been better :)

 

 **loverboy lance** : holy shit the aliens have possessed him 

 

 **KitKat** : pretty sure that's  _spirits_ Lance

 

 **loverboy lance** : shut up

 

 **jilchiana** : Shiro look what you've done

 **jilchiana** : you've broke Hunk

 **jilchiana** : our little cinnamon roll of sunshine

 **jilchiana** : you neglected him 

 **jilchiana** : I'm calling social services

 

 **TicTac** : Matt stop 

 **TicTac** : Hunk I am so so sorry

 **TicTac** : is there any way I can make it up to you?

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I don't want anything from you 

 

 **TicTac** : Hunk...

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Wow...you hurt him real bad Shiro

 

 **loverboy lance** : buddy...

 

 **KitKat** : Hello Shay

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : HI FELLOW EMO

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : SHAY!?

 

 **loverboy lance** : omfg I was actually scared Hunk was broken then 

 **loverboy lance** : how's my husband doing?

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : he's mine back off

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : and he's great! He's baking a cake for his auntie's baby shower

 

 **TicTac** : he doesn't think I hate him?

 **TicTac** : he knows that right?

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : he knows Shiro

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : he loves you all

 

 **TicTac** : I still feel bad

 **TicTac** : I have been kind of neglecting him 

 

 **jilchiana** : bad dad

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : HOW IS  _KEITH_ THE ONE TO FIGURE OUT IT'S SOMEONE ELSE ON PEOPLE'S PHONES!?

 

 **KitKat** : Hey! 

 **KitKat** : I TOLD YOU!

 **KitKat** : I'm not as dense as you think I am!! I'm extremely observant

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : well...you did respond quicker

 

 **loverboy lance** : oi salt pigeon 

 **loverboy lance** : lay off my boyfriend 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh yeah?

 **filthy motherfuscket** : whatcha gonna do about it, pretty boy?

 

 **KitKat** : HE'S MINE BACK OFF

 

 **jilchiana** : OOO POSSESSIVE

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : HE'S A YANDERE

 

 **loverboy lance** : guys guys calm down, there's plenty of me to go around ;)

 

 **KitKat** : do not prostitute yourself. I will stab you 

 

 **loverboy lance** : jack the ripper style ;)

 

 **jilchiana** : kinky  (͡• ͜໒ ͡• )

 

 **TicTac** : too much is happening in this chat

 **TicTac** : I'm lost

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : ask for directions

 

 **jilchiana** : wtf no

 **jilchiana** : get a map

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : what is it with men and asking directions?

 

 **jilchiana** : what is it with women and maps!?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : oh are you saying that women can't read maps?

 

 **jilchiana** : I'm saying that women ask directions but they won't follow directions because they don't  _need_ to ask directions

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : men follow directions even when there are no directions because they  _refuse_ to ask directions!

 

 **loverboy lance** : umm...are we interrupting?

 

 **KitKat** : I can't believe you just quoted Mulan 2

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : um does this happen all the time?

 

 **TicTac** : oh yeah. Whenever they talk they automatically start quoting films

 **TicTac** : even when they don't realise

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : oh ... wow

 

 **KitKat** : I love Mulan

 

 **loverboy lance** : Yeah, I know

 

 **KitKat** : no. I  _really_ love Mulan

 

 **loverboy lance** : yeah. I  _know_ , babe

 **loverboy lance** : we watched it on repeat for a full day on our second date

 **loverboy lance** : and you knew the script off by heart

 **loverboy lance** : even the lighting, sound effects, you pointed out every fault they made, and you even knew the order of the credits

 **loverboy lance** : trust me

 **loverboy lance** : I KNOW

 

 **KitKat** : ...oh

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : that takes some dedication

 

 **jilchiana** : you know I had a dream once where we were all in Mulan

 **jilchiana** : Hunk Pidge Me Shiro Coran etc were soldiers

 **jilchiana** : lotor and his bitches were the Huns

 **jilchiana** : and Keith was Mulan

 **jilchiana** : but he had to pretend to be a girl at home and then could be a guy in the war

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you fucking nerd

 

 **loverboy lance** : who were I?

 

 **jilchiana** : Shang

 **jilchiana** : but you were Allura's brother and Alfor was the Emperor

 

 **loverboy lance** : omfg goals

 

 **KitKat** : I'm Mulan...

 **KitKat** : holy shit I'm Mulan

 

 **TicTac** : I have no idea what's happening anymore

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : me neither...

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I think we should just leave them

 

 **TicTac** : good idea

 

 **loverboy lance** : You are the soldier of my heart <3

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : ew wtf

 

 **jilchiana** : omfg that's so sweet!!

 **jilchiana** : Shiro say something sweet about me

 **jilchiana** : Shiro???

 

 **loverboy lance** : AHAAAA REJECTED

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : no. just no,

 

 **KitKat** : Lance come over

 

 **jilchiana** : OHO (͡• ͜໒ ͡• )

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : this is the group chat!! take your sex talk private

 

 **loverboy lance** : we already do pidgeon ;)

 

 **KitKat** : waht?

 **KitKat** : no I want to watch Mulan 

 

 **loverboy lance** : oh ffs

 **loverboy lance** : thanks Matt

 

 **jilchiana** : :D welcome!  ° ͜ʖ ͡ – ✧

 

 

 

[1:20 am]

 

_AlteanPrincess > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **AlteanPrincess** : Told you. Peace out, bitches  (☞⌐▀͡ ͜ʖ͡▀ )☞


	14. oh fuck not another Shiro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filthy motherfuscket: Lance I will fuck you up 
> 
> jilchiana: hands off the brother, sis
> 
> KitKat: can I join?
> 
> TicTac: you're not supposed to hit your boyfriend Keith
> 
> loverboy lance: oh yeah?
> 
> loverboy lance: come at me bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYYY he comes dat boi....skinny penis 
> 
> Hey, Matthew here. I just wanted to say that I am sorry for not updating for a while. But I'm talking to my friends again!! And this conversation is exactly what happened in the group chat...so you're welcome I guess???
> 
> Also, YA BOI GOT HIMSELF A DATE!!! How? I have no idea but I'm not even gonna try and question it because I question everything and will fuck it up ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> But this is probably my favourite chapter because it just shows how weird my friends are. 
> 
> WARNING: it is a fucking mess
> 
> ENJOY :)

[2:26 pm]

 

_loverboy lance > filthy motherfuscket_

 

 **loverboy lance** : Starvin Marvin, food on the go ;)

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : We literally just left each other five minutes ago what the ever living fuck are you messaging me for

 

 **loverboy lance** : I miss you

 **loverboy lance** : and I'm clingy

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : my bus is on time and literally everyone getting it is so surprised

 

 **loverboy lance** : omg remember when all the buses ended up in the Bermuda Triangle or some shit

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : yeaaah

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I hope my bus does that while I'm on it

 

 **loverboy lance** : No!

 **loverboy lance** : You can't leave me with Matt!

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WTF A SECOND ONE JUST PULLED UP

 

 **loverboy lance** : TWINCEST

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : don't fucking start that again 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : what's wrong with Matt?

 

 **loverboy lance** : what _isn't_  wrong with Matt?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : ...point taken

 

 **loverboy lance** : there's a ginger sat in front of me and like his hair looks so soft I just wanna stroke it and say OOO CONDITIONER

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Coran's long lost son

 

 **loverboy lance** : And ask him about his hair routine 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : If you do that, I will disown you as my brother

 

 **loverboy lance** : WAIT WTF

 **loverboy lance** : I look down for one second to read your message look back up and

 **loverboy lance** : P O O F 

 **loverboy lance** : no more ginger 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Maybe he was never there

 

 **loverboy lance** : pls

 **loverboy lance** : I'm having an existential crisis rn

 **loverboy lance** : we have enough Keith's 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I read piss

 

 **loverboy lance** : tasty 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Ew

 

 **loverboy lance** : you never know how good it is until you try it

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : again. ew

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I'm going past the Garrison

 **filthy motherfuscket** : BYE FUCKERS

 

 **loverboy lance** : I wanna spray paint a dick on Iverson's car so badly 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you basic bitch

 

 **loverboy lance** : Walk through the door and Akira pounces on me wtf

 **loverboy lance** : he bit me!!

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : awww young love

 

 **loverboy lance** : yeah totally

 **loverboy lance** : my cat is my life

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : same. I love pussy

 **filthy motherfuscket** : *slurping noises*

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Please don't take that seriously

 

 **loverboy lance** : omfg you're an ace with a space

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : what does that even mean?

 

 **loverboy lance** :  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **loverboy lance** : NOOOOO I MISSED THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR A MEME

 **loverboy lance** : *that's what good pussy sounds like*

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you're losing your game, McClain

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Matt would be disappointed in you

 

 **loverboy lance** : I'm disappointed in me too 

 

 

 

[3:12 am]

 

_loverboy lance > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **loverboy lance** : GUys

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : fuck off, it's three in the morning

 

_loverboy lance sent an image (2)_

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : How did you, how the fuck?

 

 **TicTac** : See, this is why we can't have nice things

 

 **loverboy lance** : DAD HELP ME

 

 **jilchiana** : Daddy*

 

 **KitKat** : Do I even want to know?

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : Lance...what is this?

 

 **loverboy lance** : Definitely not my finest hour 

 

 **KitKat** : Do you think?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : obviously not

 

 **loverboy lance** : HEY! 

 **loverboy lance** : It's not my fault bad things keep happening to me.

 **loverboy lance** : It's like I have bad luck or something 

 

 **KitKat** : No, the reason you have bad luck is because you're a dumbass

 

 **loverboy lance** : But I'm your dumbass ;)

 

 **jilchiana** : I want your ass*

 **jilchiana** : just correcting your spelling 

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I'm five minutes away, unlock your door

 

 **loverboy lance** : HUNK 

 **loverboy lance** : MY BOO

 **loverboy lance** : I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 

 

 **KitKat** : um excuse me

 

 **loverboy lance** : If you want to be my lover

 

 **jilchiana** : you gotta get with my friends

 

 **KitKat** : I _am_ with his friends

 

 **loverboy lance** : no

 **loverboy lance** : you gotta bring me food

 **loverboy** : and Hunk's food is amazing

 

 **jilchiana** : I agree

 

 **TicTac** : Hunk is an amazing chef

 

 **KitKat** : I must admit...Hunk's food is probably my favourite thing on Earth

 

 **loverboy lance** : RUDE

 **loverboy lance** : but _s a m e!!!_ my boo is literal perfection

 

 **Altean Princess** : I would pay for Hunk to cook for me every day

 

 **jilchiana** : shut up, rich bitch

 

 **Altean Princess** : I'm sorry you hate me because I'm prettier than you

 

 **jilchiana** : bitch what

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : I would sell my laptop for Hunk's food

 

 **jilchiana** : bitch W H A T

 

 **TicTac** : W O W

 

 **KitKat** : Holy shit

 

 **loverboy lance** : SEE THAT'S HOW AMAZING HUNK'S COOKING IS 

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : aww guys, stop

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : also, sorry for not replying, I'm currently fixing _Lance's mess_

 

 **loverboy lance** : ⚆ _ ⚆ love you boo <3

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : What can I say? I'm a sucker for food

 **filthy motherfuscket** : it's my only love beside computers

 

 **loverboy lance** : robots*

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : Lance I will fuck you up 

 

 **jilchiana** : hands off the brother, sis

 

 **KitKat** : can I join?

 

 **TicTac** : you're not supposed to hit your boyfriend Keith

 

 **loverboy lance** : oh yeah?

 **loverboy lance** : come at me bitch 

 

 **TicTac** : guys no

 

 **jilchiana** : STAY AWAY FROM MY BABE

 

 **KitKat** : so is everyone dtf or will it just be us four?

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : the fuck Keith

 

 **jilchiana** : I'M DTF

 

 **loverboy lance** : ...

 

 **Altean Princess** : oh dear

 

 **KitKat** : what?

 

 **Altean Princess** : sweetie, do you know what dtf means?

 

 **KitKat** : yeah?

 **KitKat** : Lance told me it means down to fight

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : omfg

 

 **jilchiana** : KEITH MY POOR EMO SOUL

 

 **TicTac** : where did I go wrong?

 

 **jilchiana** : I LOST A FRIEND

 

 **TicTac** : NO

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : _DOWN TO FIGHT_

 

 **loverboy lance** : fuck off, all of you 

 

 **Altean Princess** : oh honey

 

 **KitKat** : what?

 **KitKat** : LANCE!?

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : WHy did you tell him it meant down to fight?

 

 **loverboy lance** : um

 **loverboy lance** : for the laughs?

 

 **KitKat** : he got drunk at Rolo's party and asked if I'd ever be dtf with him

 **KitKat** : and he passed out before I could ask what it meant

 **KitKat** : so I messaged him in the morning and he said down to fight so I was like: yeah, I'm always dtf with you :)

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : Lance you're a terrible person 

 

 **jilchiana** : Lance, you're an amazing person 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : okay I'm going back to bed before you idiots make any more of my brain cells die

 

 **TicTac** : I don't even know what to say at this point

 

 **Altean Princess** : omfg Lance

 

 **KitKat** : so waht  _does_ it mean then????

 

 **jilchiana** : down to fuck 

 

 **KitKat** : ...

 

 **Altean Princess** : we knew you wanted to fuck Keith all along

 

 **loverboy lance** : fuck off 'Lura

 

 **KitKat** : I mean I'm still dtf with you Lance

 

 **loverboy lance** : asdkfhglfiehla

 

 **jilchiana** : AHHHHHHH

 

 **Altean Princess** : KLANCE KLANCE KLANCE

 

 **jilchiana** : KLANCE KLANCE KLANCE

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : you broke Lance

 

_IncredibleHu(n)k sent an image (1)_

 

 **jilchiana** : **_KLANCE KLANCE KLANCE_**

 

 **Altean Princess** : with that face, he will be gone in two minutes

 

 **TicTac** : NO HAVING SEX

 **TicTac** : YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE

 

 **KitKat** : YOU AND MATT HAVE HAD SEX

 

 **jilchiana** : oh yeah...I forgot to tell you...might as well tell you now...

 

 **TicTac** : Matt? 

 

 **jilchiana** : okay...

 **jilchiana** : I'm pregnant

 

 **TicTac** : ...

 

 **Altean Princess** : AW CONGRATULATIONS! 

 

 **loverboy lance** : I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE

 **loverboy lance** : HUNK SAYS CONGRATULATIONS TOO

 

 **KitKat** : oh fuck not another Shiro 

 

 **TicTac** : 1) Keith that's rude 

 

 **KitKat** :  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 **TicTac** : 2) Matt shut the fuck up 

 

 **jilchiana** : e-excuse me!?

 **jilchiana** : HoW dARe yOu SpeAK tO A PREgnANt MAn lIKe thAt!

 

 **Altean Princess** : watch your language, mister!

 

 **loverboy lance** : Keith! You know not to swear in front of 6-year-olds! They pick things up so easily!

 

 **TicTac** : YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT

 

 **jilchiana** : YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT I AM AND WHAT I'M NOT

 

 **KitKat** : yeah, _Shiro_

 **KitKat** : that's RUDE

 

 **TicTac** : ...I'm done

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : ShiroDONE™

 

 **TicTac** : Hunk!

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : Ahd- 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : That was Lance on my phone, I swear

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : But congratulations on the baby!!

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I'll bake the cake for the baby shower!

 

 **jilchiana** : HUNK I LOVE YOU 

 

 **loverboy lance** : BACK OFF HE'S MINE

 

 **KitKat** : I THOUGHT _I_ WAS YOURS?

 

 **Altean Princess** : y'all can fuck off

 **Altean Princess** : I'm the prettiest so I get Hunk

 

 **loverboy lance** : um exCUSE me, _princess_

 **loverboy lance** : and yeah, Keith, baby

 **loverboy lance** : You're mine and I'm yours 

 **loverboy lance** : but... _Hunk_

 

 **KitKat** : but _nothing_!

 

 **jilchiana** : THE PREGNANT MAN SHOULD GET HUNK

 

 **TicTac** : STOP SAYING YOU'RE PREGNANT!

 

 **jilchiana** : ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T WANT A CHILD WITH ME!?

 

 **TicTac** : YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING!

 

 **Altean Princess** : yeah...he's eating for two, maybe three, now. He needs the food more

 

 **loverboy lance** : KEITH, BABY, I'M SORRY

 

 **KitKat** : SORRY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH

 

 **TicTac** : DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM

 

 **jilchiana** : THANK YOU 'LURA

 

 **loverboy lance** : HEY THAT'S MY NICKNAME FOR HER

 

 **jilchiana** : FIGHT ME BITCH

 

 **Altean Princess** : NO MATT THINK ABOUT THE BABY!

 

 **KitKat** : LANCE DO YOU MIND?

 **KitKat** : WE'RE ARGUING HERE

 

 **loverboy lance** : yeah yeah gimme a minute babe ~

 **loverboy lance** : MATT DON'T HARM THE BABY

 

 **TicTac** : GUYS PLEASE

 

 **KitKat** : OH NO DON'T YOU BABE ME

 

 **loverboy lance** : Keith ~

 

 **KitKat** : LAnce

 

 **jilchiana** : MY BABY WILL BE FINE IT'S A NINJENBRYO FROM NINJAGO

 

 **KitKat** : omfg Matt what the fuck

 

 **loverboy lance** : um exCUSE ME 

 

 **KitKat** : Lance shush we have a ninja baby

 

 **loverboy lance** : no MATT has a ninja baby

 **loverboy lance** : we are 'having an argument'

 

 **Altean Princess** : NINJENBRYO

 

 **TicTac** : Matt I stg

 

 **jilchiana** : DO YOU NOT WANT OUR BABY!?

 

 **TicTac** : _WHAT BABY!?_

 

 **KitKat** : DON'T FUCKING TALKING TO ME LANCE

 

 **loverboy lance** : WOAH WHAT DID I DO

 

 **KitKat** : YOU WANTED AN ARGUMENT

 

 **loverboy lance** : THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT

 

 **TicTac** : Keith, Lance, stop!

 

 **jilchiana** : SHIRO HOW DARE YOU 

 

 **Altean Princess** : SHIRO HOW COULD YOU!

 

 **KitKat** : WELL WE'RE ARGUING AREN'T WE?!

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : excuse my potty mouth

 **filthy motherfuscket** : SHUT THE  _FUCK_ UP

 

 **loverboy lance** : memes can't stop us now Pigeon 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : call me pigeon one more time you fucker 

 

 **TicTac** : PIDGE, LANGUAGE

 

 **jilchiana** : I can't believe you've done this Shiro...

 

 **Altean Princess** : YOU ARE ALL STRESSING OUT THE BABY

 

 **jilchiana** : and not the baby in my stomach

 **jilchiana** : me. I'm the baby

 

 **TicTac** : If anything, _I'm_  the one stressed out right now!

 **TicTac** : having to put up with all you lot!

 

 **loverboy lance** : KEITH BABY PLEASE TALK TO ME

 

 **KitKat** : no

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : you just did

 

 **KitKat** : fuck off pidge

 

 **loverboy lance** : don't talk to my gremlin like that!

 

 **jilchiana** : THE BABY IS CRYING

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : what BABY!?

 

 **TicTac** : THANK YOU PIDGE

 

 **KitKat** : Lance, babe...

 **KitKat** : fuck off

 

 **loverboy lance** : um rUDE

 

 **TicTac** : this is why you're my favourite

 

 **jilchiana** : EXCUSE ME

 

 **Altean Princess** : um what!?

 

 **KitKat** : first of all,  _Shiro_ , that's RUDE

 

 **loverboy lance** : How could you say that!? Clearly,  _I'm_  your favourite

 **loverboy lance** : I am nothing but consistent

 

 **TicTac** : A consistent pain in my ass

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : love you too dad!!

 **filthy motherfuscket** : BURN MOTHERFUCKER 

 

 **KitKat** : in your FUCKING FACE LANCE HA

 

 **Altean Princess** : ROASTED, TOASTED, BURNT TO A CRISP

 

 **loverboy lance** : (ಥ﹏ಥ)

 

 **jilchiana** : IF THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT OUR CHILDREN I DON'T WANT THIS BABY NEAR YOU

 

 **Altean Princess** : I have a katana I can give to the child!!! 

 

 **jilchiana** : OMFG YES

 

 **KitKat** : I WANT A KATANA

 

 **loverboy lance** : baby no

 

 **TicTac** : I AM NOT LETTING YOU GIVE OUR CHILD A BLOODY KATANA

 **TicTac** : HOW IRRESPONSIBLE CAN YOU ALL BE!?

 **TicTac** : WEAPONS ARE _DANGEROUS_

 

 **KitKat** : I got my first knife when I was three

 

 **TicTac** : a plastic knife you stole from a child's kitchen set that got delivered to the wrong house 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : E X P O S E D

 

 **jilchiana** : 'OUR BABY'

 

 **Altean Princess** : YOU ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR BABY

 

 **KitKat** : MY LIL BROTHER IS GROWING UP 

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : WTF IS WITH THIS BABY

 

 **loverboy lance** : Pidge, that's rude it hasn't even come out of Matt's womb yet

 **loverboy lance** : I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE AHHHHH

 

 **TicTac** : ...I now realise my mistake

 

 **jilchiana** : omfg I love you so much 

 **jilchiana** : now I can actually call you daddy!!! <3

 

 **Altean Princess** : way to ruin the moment Matt

 

 **KitKat** : Matt why

 

 **filthy motherfuscket** : goodbye

 

 **TicTac** : I'm 

 

 **loverboy lance** : you called him daddy anyway 

 

 **jilchiana** : nah, that's you babe

 

 **KitKat** : ew, no

 

 **loverboy lance** : awww you jealous, babe?

 

 **KitKat** : ha no

 

 **loverboy lance** : you wanna call me daddy??? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **KitKat** : no. That's worse than meme talk

 

 **loverboy lance** : aw baby boy, it's alright

 **loverboy lance** : you don't have to be shy

 

 **Altean Princess** : so...about Matt's baby

 

 **TicTac** : oh ffs

 

 **KitKat** : I will break your leg

 

 **jilchiana** : kinky ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **loverboy lance** : babe

 

 **KitKat** : ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

 

 **loverboy lance** : i love you...

 

 **jilchiana** : what about my little one?

 

 **KitKat** : ....

 

 **Altean Princess** : what are we naming them?

 

 **loverboy lance** : babe. baby. sweetheart. most gorgeous person in the entire universe. My love

 

 **jilchiana** : Apple

 

 **loverboy lance** : HEY APPLE

 

 **Altean Princess** : HEY APPLE

 

 **jilchiana** : what?

 

 **KitKat** : KNIFE

 

 **TicTac** : I am so fucking done with this family 

 **TicTac** : you can't name a child 'apple'

 

 **jilchiana** : I CAN NAME THEM WHATEVER I WANT I'M THE MAMA

 

 **TicTac** : and if I'm to be the dad then we are not naming it apple

 

 **loverboy lance** : them* gdmi Shiro have some respect

 

 **jilchiana** : fine then we name them Cabbage

 

 **TicTac** : no

 

 **Altean Princess** : you should name them Allura 

 

 **jilchiana** : no

 **TicTac** : no

 

 **loverboy lance** : what about Toe?

 **loverboy lance** : I SWEAR I TYPED TOBY

 

 **jilchiana** : I'M NOT NAMING MY CHILD TOE WTF LANCE

 

 **KitKat** : wait Matt, you like Lord Of The Rings, right?

 

 **jilchiana** : what does that have to do with anything??

 

 **loverboy lance** : Matt just answer, he's going somewhere with this

 **loverboy lance** : I know these things, trust me

 

 **Altean Princess** : goals

 

 **loverboy lance** : (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞

 

 **jilchiana** : fine, and no, you dickwad

 **jilchiana** : I LOVE IT

 

 **KitKat** : Shiro, are you still strangely obsessed with that Leg dude?

 **KitKat** : wait, I don't even need to ask that. Ofc you are

 

 **jilchiana** : ...where is this going?

 

 **KitKat** : I was thinking. What if you name the baby Elvy?

 

 **TicTac** : Elvy?

 

 **jilchiana** : that sounds so cute 

 

 **KitKat** : it has an even cuter meaning

 

 **TicTac** : which is?

 

 **KitKat** :  It means an elf warrior in English

 **KitKat** : because the baby would be a warrior for being able to put up with our dysfunctional family 

 **KitKat** : not to mention it's a gender neutral name

 **KitKat** : and it also incorporates something that brought you both together 

 **KitKat** : Yeah, I remember The Story, Shiro

 

 **jilchiana** : ...why am I crying?

 

 **TicTac** : Keith...that is so sweet

 

 **Altean Princess** : I didn't know you had it in you...that is so cute omfg

 

 **loverboy lance** : MY BOYFRIEND IS SO CUTE 

 **loverboy lance** : KEITH MY BABY 

 **loverboy lance** : MY BOO

 **loverboy lance** : MI AMOR

 **loverboy lance** : CAN HE GET ANY MORE PERFECT!?

 

 **KitKat** : Despite what you think, I actually have emotions like any other human being

 

 **jilchiana** : WHY ARE MY EYES LEAKING

 

 **loverboy lance** : because my boyfriend is a blessing to this world!!

 **loverboy lance** : god, three months and I still can't stop grinning like a psycho whenever I call you my boyfriend 

 

 **KitKat** : I love you too, Lance :)

 

 **TicTac** : Keith, I am so proud of you 

 

 **TicTac** : It's decided

 **TicTac** : We are naming them Elvy

 **TicTac** : Elvy Akira Shirogane

 

 **KitKat** : woah, awit what

 

 **jilchiana** : MY EYES

 **jilchiana** : ELVY AKIRA SHIROGANE

 **jilchiana** : Our baby is called Elvy Akira Shirogane

 **jilchiana** : That is so fucking adorable

 

 **KitKat** : I mean I'm flattered but...are you sure??

 

 **jilchiana** : SHIRO I REALLY WANT A BABY NOW 

 **jilchiana** : I'M CRYING BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY SAD OVER THIS 

 **jilchiana** : OF COURSE WE'RE FUCKING SURE KEITH YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO US

 

 **TicTac** : Please don't mind him, he's an aggressive emotional 

 

 **loverboy lance** : don't forget I named my cat after you 

 **loverboy lance** : we all appreciate you, Keith

 

 **KitKat** : I...wtf guys 

 

 **loverboy lance** : I'll translate 

 **loverboy lance** : guys...I seriously can't thank you enough. I love you all too and I don't know whether I should punch you or hug you 

 

 **KitKat** : what he said 

 

 **Altean Princess** : there's too much love in this chat 

 **Altean Princess** : my OTPS

 **Altean Princess** : you're killing me

 **Altean Princess** : totally not screenshotting and sending to all my fan accounts 

 

 **TicTac** : our family may be dysfunctional and we may want to rip each other's heads off at times

 **TicTac** : but I couldn't ask for anything better

 

 **loverboy lance** : <3

 **loverboy lance** : <3 <\- this is Keith's he just PMed me saying that he can't handle the emotions so I'm gonna love you all and leave you 

 

 **TicTac** : I'll let you in, Lance

 **TicTac** : everyone else should really get to bed

 

 **Altean Princess** : fuck that shit I have fanfiction to write

 

 **jilchiana** : I'm coming over

 **jilchiana** : I'm sad because I can't get pregnant 

 

 **TicTac** : okay, I'll let you in as well

 **TicTac** : goodnight Allura

 

 **Altean Princess** : goodnight Shatt and Elvy!!

 

 

 

[7:30 am]

 

_IncredibleHu(n)k > Snowflake Squad_

 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : I seriously regret joining this family sometimes guys 

 **IncredibleHu(n)k** : and thanks for running out on me Lance. It's a good job I love you and have a spare key

 

 **loverboy lance** : (づ￣ ³￣)づ


End file.
